I’m fully committed to this idea of lifelong learning, whatever that might look like. As I look ahead to turning 40 this week, I thought it would be fruitful to reflect on some lessons from my 30s. Sometimes, we lose sight of how much we’ve learned until we slow down and take the time to do it. Paradoxically, I feel both young and old simultaneously. Maybe that’s what defines our 30s. It’s a decade of rapid growth and profound change. And I’m thankful that I’ve come out the other side, hopefully as a better person for it.

What I’ve Learned in My 30s

Every time I reach a certain age milestone, I think I’m “old” now. And then I look back in a few years and realize I wasn’t “old” back then at all. But, I’m “old” now…. right?

Talking to myself. Photo credit: David Pierre

In my wizened state, bolstered by years of wisdom and weathered experience, I can take my place as the sage man of the mountain. Look at all I’ve learned! Right? Except, well, I can’t. While I am framing this list as lessons from my 30s, as if I’ve “completed the course,” the reality is that I’m still learning them. And will continue to learn more about and from them for years to come.

  1. No one cares and that’s okay.
  2. No one else knows what they’re doing either.
  3. Everyone is on a different timeline.
  4. You are a background actor in someone else’s story.
  5. Comparison can be a toxic source of bad feelings.
  6. The appetite for validation is insatiable, so stop chasing it.
  7. Feminism matters. Gender issues matter.
  8. Small changes add up to big differences.
  9. You’ll drop some balls and that’s okay.
  10. You can’t add more responsibility without letting something else go.
  11. Don’t judge current you based on past standards.
  12. Focus on direction rather than (moving) goal posts.
  13. Numbers are helpful, but don’t dwell on them.
  14. Stop keeping random things “just in case.”
  15. Less can be more. Simple is good.
  16. Rumination isn’t going to solve anything.
  17. Life is a team sport. It’s okay to ask for help.
  18. Speak up because you have something to say, not because you have to say something.
  19. Your opinion matters, but try to see things from other people’s perspective too.
  20. You’re allowed to splurge a little on instant gratification once in a while.
  21. Hustle culture is a lie and it’s not for everyone. In fact, it’s for very few people.
  22. The comfort zone is okay. Enjoy it while you’re there.
  23. Sometimes, effort and outcome can be inversely related.
  24. Get outside more. Quiet walks in nature have powerful healing effects.
  25. Changing from nighttime pajamas into daytime pajamas is still changing.
  26. You really only need two pairs of jeans. (Get more sweatpants)
  27. Invest early, invest consistently, and then don’t touch it or over-monitor it.
  28. Take the time to document your gratitude. Actually write it down.
  29. Have another piece of chocolate.
  30. Forgive yourself.

Helpful Lessons as I Head Into My 40s?

Lessons from my 30s involve looking back. What about getting ready for my 40s? As I prepare to enter this next decade in my life, I turned to the internet to see if anyone on the other side had any advice or insight they cared to share. Here are 20+ highlights for advice going into my 40s. There were a lot of health-related suggestions. Watch your back!

  • Buy ibuprofen in bulk. (@grillcheezkilla)
  • Hope you’re healthy, cause my health got worse…and I consider myself pretty healthy. (@sandranomoto)
  • Magnesium at night makes your joints feel better in the morning!
  • Vitamins, Michael. Vitamin D3, magnesium and all that other fun stuff! I recommend walking more too!
  • Regular checkups with your doctor.
  • Start giving zero effs and go live the life you want the way you want it to be. (@abeautifullife)
  • Don’t skip stretching. Be careful with your back. Laugh a lot. Especially about yourself. (@reglok)
  • Don’t look down.
  • Take care of your back. (@funkydung)
  • Listen to your body and get things checked out if they seem off.
  • Your body will start hating you more. (@tyleringram)
  • Allow yourself to nap.
  • Stay in front of health issues. (@ratherearnest)
  • Take care of all your bad habits in the next decade. Once the 50s hit, things start falling apart.
  • Don’t have a heart attack. (@scotchfulyyours)
  • Things hurt more and you sleep less somehow. So, be a bit more proactive with your health. Get more activity in.
  • You can start feeling worn out, wanting to sleep and asking the kids to bring you food.
  • Have no regrets. Also, I used to think growing older was a downer, but a lot of people would hope to get to the age one is now, so there’s luck in aging I guess. (@planta)
  • Make good solid friendships, as many as you can, and then do whatever you can to love, to support them and to keep them. As you get older (I’ve found) it’s harder and harder to make and to keep friends. (@brendajohima)
  • Stay in touch with your old friends. (@bobkronbauer)
  • I thought 30s was freaking awesome. It can still get better.t. 
  • Enjoy your 40’s, but look forward to your 50’s more – that’s when all the f*cks are gone, and you can really enjoy life. (@dannybrownca)
  • Don’t do it. It’s the worst.
  • Start drinking now before it’s too late.

I wasn’t anticipating people would have this much to share with me about their 40s (and beyond), but here we are. It might be fun to look back at this list periodically throughout my 40s to see how I’m holding up. If my aching back will let me, that is.

Midlife Crisis Here I Come (Here I Am?)

I questioned whether I was going through some sort of quarter-life crisis at 25. Then, I wondered if I was experiencing some sort of early onset midlife crisis at 35. Now that I’ll be turning 40, many of those same lingering worries and questions still apply. They’ve just gotten even more real. Lessons from my 30s have only gotten me so far.

As comedian Hasan Minhaj recently noted, we’re now at an age where “new beginnings” are being replaced by things ending. Instead of first kisses, first girlfriends and weddings, we’re starting to see relationships ending in divorce and separation. Instead of first jobs and launching careers, we’re seeing layoffs and career crises. Loved ones and dear friends are passing away.

And we’re seeing our youth slip out from between our fingers, not abruptly, but very gradually.

So, it only makes sense that so many of us feel increasingly despairing levels of existential angst. I’m not sure if my 40s are going to be any “better.” What I do know is that it’s a privilege denied to many, so it is my responsibility to make the most of it. For my legacy, for my children, or for our future together. I hope you’ll continue to follow me along for the ride.