Our marriage is hardly perfect. Nobody’s is. We have our frustrations, disagreements and arguments like any other couple. Especially those who’ve been together for over two decades. I know I can be irritating and irritable. I also know that introducing young children to the situation can elevate stress, reduce sleep, and put everyone on edge. Parenting is really hard. And, unsurprisingly, we’re guilty of some of these passive-aggressive pitfalls from time to time ourselves.

Of course we are. That’s normal and we’re only human, after all. The first step is recognizing these kinds of passive-aggressive behaviors in ourselves. If we can catch ourselves in the act, we can better learn how to avoid them. That’s the only way we can move forward with a more modern, equitable and ultimately happier approach to modern parenthood. And this means having an honest, safe and respectful relationship with your husband, wife, spouse or partner.

Do any of these resonate with you and your family?

Whose Kid Is It Anyway?

Come here and clean up after your son!

Word choice matters. I’ve talked about this at length in the context of the supermom martyr and the disengaged dad, like when advertising talks about how “moms love” this brand instead of saying that “parents love” that brand. Word choice also matters when speaking with your co-parent. There is a huge passive-aggressive difference between referring to your son vs. our son.

It implies that your son is the problematic one and thus is your responsibility to address, rather than referring to him as our son, someone who we are raising together. Choose your words carefully.

Are You Keeping Score?

I loaded the dishwasher yesterday and the day before. It’s your turn.

If you’ve been reading this blog for the past several years, then you’ll know that I’m all for challenging traditional gender roles. To this end, depending on the specific circumstances of your family, I wholeheartedly agree that household and parenting duties should be shared equitably between partners. It feels like this goes without saying, but perhaps it’s worth reinforcing. However, I don’t agree that everything needs to be exactly split right down the middle.

A common passive-aggressive behavior is this idea of keeping score. I changed the baby’s diaper last time, so it’s your turn now. I folded the laundry four times last week and you only did it twice, so you owe me two loads before we can call it even. No one wins when you keep score. If something needs to be done, just do it. And if your partner isn’t picking up enough slack in a certain department, have a discussion about the division of labor.

Why Should I Do Your Job?

You’re the one who organizes playdates. How would I know where Jerry’s house is?

You know how I said things don’t have to split exactly down the middle? To some extent, sharing in household and parenting duties means playing to your strengths. If one partner is a whiz in the kitchen and the other only knows how to burn toast, maybe the first partner should do most of the cooking. However, this doesn’t mean they necessarily have to do all of the meal preparation.

Being too rigid in the division of responsibility leaves no room for flexibility. And it leads to a lot of passive-aggressive fingers being pointed. Even if the laundry is usually handled by one partner, the other should still have some general idea of how to operate the washing machine. Of course, logistics can impact this profoundly. If there are no baby change tables in the men’s washroom, maybe Mom should change the diaper this time.

And this is another reason why society needs to encourage equal parenting with appropriate facilities and infrastructure for both partners.

Couple arguing

You Should Know, I Shouldn’t Have to Tell You

Where does the spatula go?

Some version of this or another keeps popping up on social media for me. It continues to play up the notion of the “mental load” that many wives and mothers carry, disproportionately more than their husbands. Again, I find myself wondering if I live in some sort of bubble. Or if so many husbands and fathers experience some level of learned helplessness.

When they want to “help” and ask how, they’re met with derision. “I shouldn’t have to tell you. You should know.” Conversely, when they take the initiative and don’t ask, they’re also met with negativity. “You’re doing it all wrong. Gah, I’ll have to redo it all. Just let me do it.” And so, the vicious cycle renews. This isn’t true in all marriages, of course, but it seems to be a common theme.

There also appears to be an unspoken double standard at play. If the husband “acts like a clueless intern,” he’s labeled as useless and incompetent. But, perfectly capable stay-at-home dads in particular are often emasculated for “doing a woman’s job.” Regardless, if a partner wants to help, let them. Even if it’s not exactly the way you’d do it. And if they ask for clarification, meet that with encouragement, not an exasperated sigh.

Who Said I’m Mad at You?

For the last time, pick up your dirty socks and put them in the hamper!!!!

Raising young children is exhausting. Parenting is really hard. And then you layer on all the added stresses, worries and infuriating interactions from everything else going on in your life (and around the world, for that matter), and it’s no wonder that so many of us can feel on edge so often. But, it’s unfair to take out that frustration on your husband, wife, partner or children.

It’s so easy, tempting even, to project or redirect that frustration at those around us. When we’re one step closer to the edge, all it takes is a minor transgression to make us snap. We’ve bottled up all this anger and resentment, and then we lash out disproportionately for an otherwise small thing, like forgetting to put our smelly socks in the hamper.

Remember what Daniel Tiger said: When you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four.

I’m Fine, Everything Is Fine

What’s wrong? Nothing is wrong. Just go watch your football game.

Ultimately, so many marital issues and conflicts between parents occur because of a breakdown in communication. While it’s obviously different, it’s also similar to dealing with toddler tantrums in this way. Good communication is at the heart of any healthy relationship. The better you can communicate with one another as calm and reasonable grown-ups, discussing any potential conflict in good faith in an effort to arrive at the best possible outcome for everyone, the better off you’ll be.

Bottling it in and not communicating just creates a ticking time bomb. Putting your “lazy husband” on blast on Facebook, but not actually talking to him about it won’t solve anything. I know we’re not perfect and we could always do better. Of course we can. Just remember that parenting is a team sport and (hopefully) we’re working toward the same goals.

Don’t assume that your partner knows. Until everyone lays their cards on the table, it’s all a mystery. So, let’s talk.