Hypothetically speaking, let’s say you discover that your son is really good at ice skating. Like really, really good. You hand him a hockey stick and learn he’s really, really good at puck handling and all that too. He’s a natural. In fact, he’s so good that you’re starting to think he could be NHL material some day. He really enjoys it at first, but there are some days he just doesn’t want to go to the rink. Do you keep pushing your kids, justifying it by saying it’s in their best interest? Or do you let it go?

Or, let’s not even go that far. Maybe you just want to peel your kids away from their YouTube and Roblox, so you sign them up for soccer, dance or swim lessons. Or even all three. Is that too much? You take a step back to assess what was your motivation for doing that in the first place. Did you (over)schedule your children because you want what’s “best” for them? Or did you do it because you felt like you were “supposed to” do it?

Not Enough Missing Out on Keeping Up

Parenting is hard enough. When you add in all that societal pressure (and social media comparison) into the mix, it feels practically impossible. There’s definitely a fear of missing out at play, not for yourself necessarily, but the fear that your kids could be missing out if you don’t push them. It’s that fear that you’re not “doing enough” as a parent. You’re “robbing them” of valuable experiences and learning opportunities.

So, you push them into skating lessons, piano lessons, and taekwondo classes. You sign them up for Kumon and Boy Scouts. And you get an annual membership to Science World and the space center. This is all due, in no small part, to parental peer pressure. If you don’t do all these things, your kids will fall behind their peers. You’re dooming them to a life of mediocrity, because everyone else will be so far ahead in experience, training and education… right?

When I was a child, my future aspirations were still pie-in-the-sky kinds of dreams with no real actionable plan for how I was going to get there. These days, many parents can feel like if their child doesn’t get into the right preschool, they’re doomed before they even begin. That’s not fair for the children, nor is it fair for parents to inflict that kind of pressure on themselves. Yet, we keep pushing our kids, overscheduling our kids, because we don’t want (them) to “miss out.”

Hey Look! A Castle! (Kids Are Expensive)

It will surprise practically no one that the average child has a very short attention span. Maybe you’re pushing your kids to finish their homework (or finish their dinner, for that matter). Some kids might take to a certain activity and stick with it on their own… but that’s not my experience so far.

For better or for worse, I haven’t invested all that much time, energy or money into any one interest or activity. She’s dabbling in this or that, periodically signing up for something through the local community center. I’ve talked about how kids can be expensive when it comes to childcare costs, but nurturing hobbies and interests can get really spendy, really quickly. Just ask any hockey parent.

Now, imagine you’ve “invested” hundreds or even thousands of dollars into hockey equipment, joining a league with early morning practices and regular games. If they say they don’t want to go anymore, do you keep pushing your kids to go? Part of it might be about teaching discipline, overcoming adversity and seeing things through to the end. Keeping their word. Another part of it might be that you’ve already sunk so much time and cash into this thing, they’d better keep going if they know what’s good for them.

Pushing Your Kids With Problems of Middle Class Privilege

Really, though, when we talk about all these extracurricular activities and “nurturing talents,” we’re really coming from a position of privilege. Not everyone can afford to sign up for so many classes and programs and, even if they could, they might not have the time to shuttle the kids everywhere.

Maybe our frame of reference has changed. I grew up in a very blue collar neighborhood with a lot of immigrant families. My parents never worried about putting food on the table or keeping a roof over our heads (to my knowledge), but they also didn’t have room to think about “extras” like signing up for soccer or lacrosse or piano. And even if they did, they never pushed me to sign up for those things.

But now, as I write this from our middle class suburban home, our immediate peer group is different. We’re not wealthy, but many of our neighbors drive Teslas. And my kids’ classmates get ski lessons, participate in soccer leagues and take Hawaiian vacations. There’s a lot of pressure to keep up with the Joneses, and these Joneses aren’t like the ones in my old neighborhood.

What Can Parents Do? What Should We Do?

When I brought up with this topic with some other parents, many of us fundamentally agreed that we want our kids to enjoy their childhoods. None of us really worry too much about their safety and security, since we’re confident their basic needs are being met. And while we’re keen to give our kids the space to explore their interests and discover their talents, we’re more hesitant to keep pushing our kids when they push back.

But, are we doing them a disservice when we do? Should we be pushing our kids more, so they can have “every opportunity and advantage” that we didn’t have as kids? I don’t know anymore. I guess it’s something we all need to figure out for ourselves.