This may not be a popular opinion. It might even attract some angry comments as a result. Even so, I feel it’s an opinion worth sharing, because I’m tired of being punished for trying. I also fully recognize that I don’t represent all the dads and husbands out there, as I can only speak from my own personal experience. Surely, there are plenty of deadbeat dads and lazy husbands out there who need to clean up their act. But, complaining about “lazy” husbands on the internet isn’t going to make the situation any better for anyone involved.

Perpetuating the Mainstream Narrative

I see popular blogs and websites share these types of narratives on social media all the time. Look at my lazy husband. He never folds the laundry, cleans up messes or does the dishes unless I “nag” him into doing it. This elicits all sorts of supportive comments from other moms and wives enduring a similar situation. “My husband is the same way!” I get it. You’re frustrated and, more likely than not, rightfully so. But, again, publicly shaming your significant other on Facebook won’t suddenly convince him to pick up a mop and broom. Plus, it’s important to start with the right perspective and set of expectations.

As I put on this flame suit, I do want to preface this conversation with a couple of caveats. First, I’m anything but perfect. Far from, by my own admission, and my wife can certainly attest to that. I come up short, often, but I am trying (and failing often). Second, this discussion is largely from the perspective of a heteronormative nuclear family. From same-sex couples to blended families, circumstances can vary from family to family. I can only speak from mine, and I encourage you to comment below about how things work in your situation.

So, if you’re tired of your “lazy” husband not “pulling his weight” when it comes to childcare and household chores, what can you do?

Fair Share Doesn’t Always Mean Equal Share

You might remember a few years ago when I wrote about modern parenting and gender equality on BC Mom. Among the several points I was trying to make in that piece was this idea that you don’t have to split everything right down the middle, 50/50 style. You don’t have to hold a hard line, alternating weeks for laundry duty. “It’s your turn to clean the toilets, because I did it last time.” That’s one way to do it, but it may not be the best way.

Instead, I proposed the idea of “staying in your lane.” My wife is a far better chef than I’ll ever be, so she handles the lion’s share of cooking duties. Generally speaking, I’m both better with numbers and more interested in that sort of thing, so I’m responsible for our household finances. The mortgage, our kids’ RESP, family budgeting… that’s all in my wheelhouse.

I understand that stereotypes based on societal pressures and expectations can lead to certain assumptions. Dad takes out the trash and tends to the yard, while Mom does more of the household cleaning. If that works for your family, great. If not, then you should absolutely challenge those gender norms, allowing each partner to lean into their strengths and interests.

Say you care a lot about what the children wear and your partner doesn’t. Then, it can be your responsibility. Similarly, if you don’t care as much about how all the technology in your home works together but your partner does, then it can be their responsibility.

Adjusting Your Expectations

There’s another very important aspect to this notion of “fair share” or “equal share” of household responsibilities and “mental load.” In a dual-income situation where both partners are working full-time, then it makes sense that household duties should be shared equitably. You may not split everything 50/50, but both partners should “pull their weight,” so to speak.

Things are different when you’ve got one primary breadwinner and one primary stay-at-home parent. I’m not at all saying that you should keep score and boil everything down to dollars and cents. No one wins in that scenario. I’m also not saying that the “working” parent gets a free pass on all household duties either. Both partners deserve enough time and space as is reasonably possible to rest, relax and unwind.

It’s not fair to complain about “lazy” husbands who are working hard to earn a living and support the financial needs of the family. Just the same, it’s not fair to complain about stay-at-home moms who are working equally hard to manage the household and take care of the kids. This applies exactly the same if you reverse the roles. It’s about tempering your expectations given the overall workload, paid or unpaid, that both partners bring to the table.

Your Way Isn’t the Only Way

We’re at a point where it’s important to challenge “traditional” gender norms and expectations. I was raised in a family and culture where taking care of the kids somehow made you less of a man. The assumed, unstated expectation was that it was a woman’s place to cook, clean and care for the children. I wholeheartedly disagree with this assumption and we absolutely should not accept it as the automatic default.

But, trying to move away from this default expectation has had some unfortunate side effects. Let’s take laundry as a simple example. From a “traditional” point of view, this was the wife’s job. In challenging this gender norm, the husband wants to take it on as his responsibility. Great! He proceeds to buy the “wrong” detergent, using the “wrong” settings on the washing machine, and folding the towels the “wrong” way.

His wife throws up her hands in frustration, telling him that he’s doing it all wrong. She says it’d be easier if she just did it herself and we’re right back where we started. But, “his way” of doing the laundry still resulted in a clean set of towels. If that’s all that ultimately matters, then what’s the difference? In other words, don’t punish the desired behavior. Imagine if you were constantly being told that everything you did was wrong. Would you still want to do it?

Pointers and advice and recommendations can indeed be helpful; they just need to be framed and presented in the right way. This certainly doesn’t account for all the stress around “mental load.” That said, this desire for control, for things to be done a particular way, can contribute to elevated levels of stress, frustration and overwhelm. Sometimes, you just have to let it go.

Effective Communication Is a Sound Foundation

Realistically speaking, it all boils down to effective communication from all parties involved. Have an adult conversation, as calmly as is reasonably possible, and articulate your frustrations. Describe the issue and why it bothers you, then propose a suitable solution. If the resentment continues to go unsaid, it just becomes a ticking time bomb. “He should just know” is no excuse. He won’t. You have to tell him.

Over on Scary Mommy, they said that we should stop telling women to “just ask for help” from their lazy husbands. They said the husbands should just know. That they should see the mess and proactively clean it up without being micromanaged to do so. Maybe. But, maybe not. Perhaps he doesn’t know (or he doesn’t care). If you know (and you care), then you need to tell him. It’s far better to state (what you think is) the obvious than to assume they’ve noticed.

Sites like Scary Mommy have a pattern of dad shaming with scores of women bellowing their support in the form of Facebook comments. Surely, this is indicative of a wider societal pattern where “lazy” husbands might not be pulling their weight. I hesitate to chime in with a “not all dads” counterpoint, because that doesn’t fix anything either. How many of these women are equally communicative with their partners? How many have worked with their partners on a win-win solution?

Remember You’re on the Same Team

Reading though those Facebook comments — maybe I’m a glutton for punishment — I feel it’s so important to reiterate something that seems obvious, but maybe it’s not. The comments seem to point toward marriages that seem so adversarial. Like it’s “moms vs. dads” out there. Maybe they’re frustrated and just want to vent. The reality is that you’re in a partnership and, hopefully, your “team” is working toward the same goals: You want to have a loving home with a loving family.

So, just as we need to cast away the notion of the “hapless husband,” just as “lazy husbands” need to get off their butt and do their fair share, we must also do away with the “mommy martyr” narrative. It is absolutely unreasonable for Mom to shoulder all the burden while Dad retreats to his man cave again. But, before complaining about your husband on Facebook, maybe you should talk to him first.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some dishes to clean and laundry to fold.