Let me share a little story with you. So, we were at the food court at the mall the other day. We just finished up with Story Time and I was getting set up to have lunch with the kids. We decided on some fish dumplings, noodle soup, and bubble waffles. My older daughter picked it out, and my younger son was all ready to go in his mall high chair. (Though he was awfully interested in all the other young kids around.)
My mom’s friend, who was there meeting up with my mom for lunch, then asked my mom:
“Is he [me] going to be okay taking care of both kids by himself?”
She was flabbergasted even at the possibility of a dad doing the solo parenting thing with two young children, one of whom is still in diapers and apt to fling his food every which way.
The Incompetent Dad as Default
I get this a lot, particularly among the older generation, but even among those in my age group. There’s a certain prevailing assumption about the ineptitude, incompetence, inability or unwillingness of dads to care for their children, especially unassisted and unsupervised. And if they can and do handle their parental responsibilities, they’re somehow less of a man. They’re emasculated. The detached dad is the default expectation.
By extension, the mother is often designated as the default parent, regardless of the specific family situation. Obviously, Mom is the one who takes care of the kids, feeds them their meals, changes their diapers, plans their activities and all the rest of it. It goes without saying, right? Obviously, Dad can’t (and shouldn’t?) do any of that.
I mean, why would he? That’s not a man’s job at all! Obviously.
“That’s the Way It’s Always Been”
As you might suspect, I hate this “disinterested and incompetent dad” trope with a passion. And I’m actively working to break that narrative, along with the presumed narrative of supermom martyrdom. Mom shouldn’t be expected to sacrifice everything about herself for her kids. Just because it may have been true in the past for some families doesn’t mean it has to be true for all families today.
Because dads are parents too.
We don’t “babysit” our kids. And we can’t (and shouldn’t!) expect moms to bear the full load of parenthood alone. The responsibility of parenting is not fully theirs as a matter of assumed fact. My mom’s friend, perhaps based on her own experience, assumed that I couldn’t handle it. She assumed that my mom would have to stay with me and help. (My wife was at work.)
My Own Supermom to the Rescue?
In a startling surprise move, my mom immediately came to my defense, though maybe not me specifically. She said:
“Oh, young people these days are really great. Our husbands never even changed a diaper, but [dads these days] are different. He’ll be fine.”
If you grew up in an Asian household in particular, you’ll know how rare and unexpected it was to hear my mom say that, particularly in public and in my presence. Our parents almost never sing our praises. They’d much rather compare us to their friends’ kids and how we don’t stack up. How come I’m not a doctor, lawyer or engineer?
But hey, at least she knows I know how to dad. Yeah. I’ve got this.
Assumed Gender Norms and Societal Expectations
And it would serve society well if we expected the same of all dads. It’d benefit all parents, regardless of gender, along with their children, if this was the prevailing narrative instead of The Tale of Super Mommy Martyr and Her Inconsiderate Dolt of a Husband. I’m tired of the “disengaged dad” trope. Let’s be better than that. Let’s expect more from fathers and lay off with the mommy guilt.
Maybe I’m being a bit too defensive (as appears to be my modus operandi). Am I being too sensitive? Is it wrong that I feel I need to justify my position as a (hopefully) reasonably competent dad? Or am I living in some sort of privileged bubble?
I think you are a great dad and I feel that the competent dad is on the rise in society. It’s about time.
Progress is slow, but I think things are moving in the right direction. Everyone, particularly other dads, need to hold all dads to a higher standard. The bar is too low. No more “that’s just how they are.”
It’s hard when too much is expected of mothers and too little of fathers. I think progress is happening and more fathers are full capable (and overworked) parents and more mothers are expecting a parter and willing to give up their role as “primary” parent. But it does take a long time to shift, and also needs supports like the same leave for mothers and fathers (aside from physical recovery time if one gave birth)
Yes, I agree that it seems we’re moving in the right direction. We just have to keep pushing forward toward changing the prevailing narrative. I’m cautiously optimistic for the next generation of parents.