I’m not going to tell you how to raise your children. If you want them to get down and dirty with nature, all the more power to you. If you indulge them in a little too much screen time and fast food, hey, we all have to cope somehow. Believe me, I get it. What I will say is that we could all benefit from being more mindful in our parenting, turning off the autopilot now and then to really think about what we’re doing. And that’s how we arrive at the difference between confidence and competence.

Not too long ago, I finished listening to the audiobook version of The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey. She’s both a teacher and a mother, approaching this “raise and teach your children” thing on both fronts. In one section, she discusses how a child’s confidence may not necessarily align with their competence.

And this misalignment can make for some challenging and potentially dangerous circumstances.

The Power of Positive Thinking?

Let’s take a step back and define a couple of terms:

Confidence: The feeling or believe that one can rely on something or someone; the state of feeling certain; a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities

Competence: The ability to do something successfully, efficiently and/or effectively

In other words, confidence relates to how you feel about your ability to do something. Competence, on the other hand, has to do with your actual ability to do that something. Consider the common scenario of the preschool insisting on tying their own shoelaces. They’re confident (“I want to do it by myself!”), but may not yet be competent.

Now, think about the other side of that coin. I guess you could say it’s some variation on imposter syndrome. You might have a very talented mathematician, for example, but they don’t think they’re particularly good at math. “I can’t do this! It’s too hard!” This is when you might come in with some words of encouragement.

Encouragement: The action of giving someone support, confidence or hope

Put another way, encouragement is the act of giving courage. As modern parents, we understand implicitly that we should encourage our children. “You can do it! I believe in you!” We want to create a positive, supportive environment, right? But, what happens when the encouragement and praise go too far? What happens when they’re unearned or unwarranted?

The Silent Impact on Confidence

At least in part, that’s how children (and teens) end up in situations where they are way over their heads. While they may be able to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds, they could also be setting themselves up for failure. And when it comes to physical stunts, this can prove remarkably dangerous.

Again, there’s another side to this too.

As parents, we typically don’t want our children to suffer through many of the same struggles we may have had as kids. We want them to lead “better” lives than we did. But, this can lead to the increasingly common phenomenon of the “steamroller” parent. This mom or dad “steamrolls” over any potential obstacle or difficulty.

When you step in to fix something for your child, or you step in to do something for them, you’re implicitly telling them that they’re not capable of doing it themselves. You’re telling them that they cannot be trusted to do it on their own. If something needs to be done, get mommy or daddy to do it. Whether or not you realize it, you’re reinforcing the perception of their own incompetence. Thus, they learn never to do anything for themselves.

Confidence and competence are intricately intertwined. This is how you end up with those situations where the mom demands that the high school English teacher give her daughter a better grade on her Jane Austen essay. Because that daughter feels she is unable to confront the teacher herself. She’s not confident. Instead, she feels incapable of standing up for herself.

Let Them Fail and Fall

I know. Watching a toddler attempt to tie his own shoelaces can be a true test of patience. Especially if you’re already late. The easy thing to do is to step in, tie those laces, and get on your way. But, you’re almost doing the kid a disservice when you choose to do that. (We all give in eventually, particularly if the kid really doesn’t know how to tie shoelaces.)

This leads us all the way back to Jessica Lahey and championing the “gift” of failure. Sometimes, as parents, we just have to get out of the way and let our little ones fall. That’s the only way they’ll be able to learn how to get back up on their own. Each time they get back up, they build a little more competence.

And the more they get to experience their growing competence, the more they’ll build up their confidence too.

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