I can do it myself!
Meanwhile, of course, we’re already running late. On the one hand, I want her to be self-sufficient. And, that involves knowing how to put on her boots herself. On the other hand, HURRY UP! WE’RE ALREADY LATE! And I just want to dive in there and do it for her. Any parent of young children can surely identify with this scenario. They just want to exercise their autonomy over the situation. They want to be their own person.
Prepare for the World
Everything is just easier when we do everything for them. Have you heard the term “lawnmower parent“? It’s when you mow down any semblance of adversity or difficulty for your child, so everything can go as smoothly as possible. You want things to be easy, because, well, it’s just easier that way.
But, you also realize that this isn’t how you prepare your child for the world. This is not how they learn to exercise their autonomy or exert their independence. You’re not going to be there to help them put on their boots when they head off to college, right?
Children have to learn how to do things for themselves and, inevitably, they’ll fumble and fail and take forever to do anything. And we, as parents, just need to be patient. Hard as that may be. On some level, it’s about learning to let go. It means, sometimes, you just have to let them fall. Or let them be late for school. Again.
A Real Human Being
Some people might point out that the difference between independence and autonomy is simply a matter of semantics. Maybe. But, it’s also by exploring these issues of semantics that we can unlock insights into our behavior. This ties in directly with the relationship between confidence and competence. Thinking you can do something is not the same as actually being able to do something.
By the same accord, my daughter wants to be independent. She wants to do things for herself. So, for instance, after we took our photos with Santa at Metropolis, they gave us a coupon for a free kid’s cone at Dairy Queen. When we got to Dairy Queen, she wanted to order herself. That’s the picture at the top of this post. She sees us do this sort of thing all the time, so she wants to do it herself. So, we let her.
She’s her own little person, getting along in the world just like everyone else. When we go out, she enjoys tapping our credit card for us, because she likes to pay. Like an adult. At least she understands what it really means to pay. These are all exercises in independence, to varying degrees.
Autonomy is different. Whereas independence describes the ability to do something yourself, autonomy describes the privilege of choosing for yourself (and doing it yourself). She can choose to have real human interactions with other real humans. And, she can choose how she interacts with these other people, including a magical fairy.
Autonomy: Choose Your Own Adventure
We’ve been working on this sort of autonomous mindset for years. Back when I wrote about surviving the terrible twos, I said to offer a win-win decision. Do you want to wear your PAW Patrol shoes or your Frozen shoes? She gets to pick, so she can feel like she’s in control. Like she’s exercising her autonomy.
Realistically, I don’t care which pair of shoes she picks. I just want her to put on any shoes so we can get out the door.
As she’s gotten older, flexing that autonomy muscle has become much more open-ended. Instead of asking if she wants fish or chicken for dinner, I ask what she wants to eat. She often picks sushi or noodles. She likes octopus (tako) in particular. Go figure.
Loosen the Reins?
As parents, we like to feel like we’re in control. Like, we’re in charge. We don’t have to watch another episode.
And no, you don’t have to endure another crisis at Adventure Bay. But, at some point, we do have to let our kids grow up. No, it’s not easy watching them fumble with their boot laces or pick a mismatched outfit, but that’s their choice to make.
It’s true. Maybe I’m not ready for any of this. But she sure is. Or at least she thinks she is.
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