What started out as a Twitter conversation turned into this blog post by Stacey Robinsmith. And that blog post led to a Twitter thread that — wouldn’t you know it? — led to this blog post. While some people may think of their mid-30s as still a time of relative youth, I feel like an old man. I mean, that’s probably why I think I’m going through a midlife crisis.

Naturally, this got me thinking about what it means to be an old man, and some of the surefire signs that you’re getting older. And so, here we are. Akash Sablok perhaps summed up the experience of aging quite succinctly in this tweet:

But what are some of the other signs of getting older? Let me count the ways… if I can just find my reading glasses first, of course. Oh, and while I frame this as a list of signs you’re an old man, many (most?) of the certainly apply to old people of all genders.

  1. You remember going to a concert and your first instinct wasn’t to take a picture or video with your phone.
  2. You don’t remember the last time you woke up and felt well-rested. Instead, when you wake up, everything hurts and you don’t know why.
  3. You remember going to Blockbuster and being disappointed the movie you wanted was all out, so you just grabbed a random Jean-Claude Van Damme VHS, because why not?
  4. You have a favorite bench at the local park. And when you get there, you don’t scroll and swipe around on your phone.
  5. You identify more with the parents than with the kids when you rewatch TV sitcoms from the ’80s and ’90s. In other words, you’re more Uncle Phil and less Fresh Prince. (Side note: Will Smith is older today than James Avery was when Fresh Prince first aired.)
  6. You drink two sips of a Slurpee and decide it’s way too sweet. And now your teeth hurt.
  7. You read the previous point and feel compelled to make the “Tooth Hurty” joke about making an appointment with the dentist. (Maybe that’s just a dad joke thing and not an old man thing.)
  8. You wear a hat not as a fashion accessory but because your head gets cold.
  9. You would rather spend your money on expensive cheese and fine whiskey than on fancy sneakers.
  10. You’re beyond the point of simply disliking today’s music (especially when compared to the golden age of music from your youth). You don’t even KNOW today’s music. You mean Lil Nas X isn’t related to Nas? Khalid isn’t the same person as DJ Khaled?
  11. Netflix and chill means falling asleep on the couch while rewatching Breaking Bad. (Confession: I still haven’t watched Breaking Bad.)
  12. You’d rather listen to talk radio or an audiobook than music on the radio while driving.
  13. You’re baffled when your kids don’t understand why you say things like “hang up,” “tune in,” “dial this number,” and “tape that show.”
  14. Your finger cramps when scrolling to enter your birth year on a website.
  15. Your daily step goal is to step out of bed. And you don’t always achieve your goal.
  16. You no longer stay up past midnight (on purpose).
  17. Conversations with friends are less about getting married and having kids and more about stock tips and retirement plans.
  18. Your back goes out more than you do.
  19. You decide that elevator music is now good. And you catch yourself singing along.
  20. Any time you walk past a clean public washroom, you decide you might as well try. You know, just in case.
  21. You think about the parking situation before you choose to go anywhere.
  22. You still refer to # as the pound symbol, not a hashtag.
  23. You get light-headed when you get up too quickly.
  24. Getting up from a seat always involves a rocking motion to build up momentum. And is always accompanied by a variety of grunts or a sharp exhale.
  25. Happy hour is an afternoon nap.
  26. You feel over the hill but don’t remember being on top of it.
  27. The little old lady you helped cross the street is your wife.

Am I a kid of a certain age or am I over the hill and picking up speed? I don’t know. Age ain’t nothing but a number, right? If you’re only as old as you feel, then I must be pretty darn old. As best as I can remember, anyway. What were we talking about?

Now, if you don’t mind this old man saying, get off my lawn.