Okay. So, there is definitely more than one big problem with social comparison. Especially in this digital age of instant gratification, overstimulation and social media, we’re constantly comparing our lives with the other people we see online. Believe me, I get it. And it’s a very hard habit to drop. I’m right there with you. Even so, I wanted to take a few minutes to explore one particular problem I’ve seen and experienced with social comparison.

It’s that we all want to be the very best, at everything, all the time. Because we see other people being the best and wonder why we can’t do the same. Well, there are at least a few factors at play here.

Visibility of the Elite at the Very Top of the Top

In the not-too-distant past, the only people we ever really saw were the other people in our immediate tribe. We may occasionally hear something about the neighboring village, but that was rare and mostly impersonal. Today, in effect, we have near-instant access to billions of people all around the world. We see the lifestyles of the rich and famous, so to speak, and we yearn to be someone else. Because we see what is possible, we want it for ourselves.

This isn’t just about outward displays of wealth, though that’s definitely part of it. The other part of it is that we really do get to see the best of the best in just about everything. Look at these super smart people on Jeopardy! Look at these amazing athletes at the Olympics. Have you listened to Adele, Beyonce or Christina Aguilera belt out a tune? Or watched a famous YouTuber publish an incredible video?

Because we see what they can do, we raise our expectations for what we should be able to do too. That throws off our happiness equation as the reality of our mediocrity hits us like a five-ton elephant. I found this BigThink video with “thought leaders” like Neil deGrasse Tyson and Michio Kaku rather insightful:

Social Comparison Against Specialists, Not Generalists

There’s an important layer to this big problem that we also need to unpack. Not only are we comparing ourselves against the best of the best, but we’re also comparing ourselves against someone’s best attribute. Consciously or unconsciously, we overlook or ignore where they might fall short. The hugely successful entrepreneur may have a marriage that’s on the rocks. The star football player might not have a clue how to shoot and edit a YouTube video.

But, we choose to cherry-pick our points of comparison. We are effectively comparing a single individual (ourselves) against multiple bests, not one complete person. We compare our cooking skills against a professional chef, our physical ability against professional athletes, our finances against one-percenters, and so on. Even though we know we have to wear many hats to get by in life, we want to shine in all those hats.

It’s not enough to have a successful business. We want to be good parents and partners too. While having hobbies and interests, working out 5 times a week, with profitable investments, and a solid eight hours of sleep every night. We compare each individual aspect against the curated, filtered, perfectly polished flashbulb moments on Instagram, seeing how our everyday existence pales in comparison.

Thinking About Points Distribution: Mario, Bowser, or Toad?

Years ago, a good friend of mine offered some really profound insight. Imagine your life as an RPG. You have a set number of points to distribute among different attributes. In an RPG, these might be strength, speed, agility, magic, health, and so on. Broadly speaking, there are two strategies here:

  1. Distribute them evenly, so you’re kinda okay at everything. You get a bunch of 5s across the board. Examples of balanced characters would be Nintendo’s Mario or Ryu from Street Fighter. (I know they’re not RPG characters, but I don’t play RPGs.)
  2. Alternatively, you can take the min/max approach. Here, you load up on some attributes at the cost of others. A tank-like character might get a 10 on strength, but only a 1 on speed. That’s like a Zangief or a Bowser. Or, you flip it around with low strength and high speed. You might get someone like Toad or Baby Peach. (I’m using “speed” in terms of acceleration and not top speed for the sake of this comparison, in case my fellow Mario Kart players want to jump all over me.)

The same kind of idea applies to life priorities. You’ve got your work life, your hobbies, your family life, your physical health, your relationships… the list goes on. It’d be great if you could be a 10/10 across the board, but that’s just not a reasonable expectation. Instead, you must decide how you’re going to distribute those attribute points. Do you want to split them up evenly and be okay at most things, but not exceptionally great at anything? Or do you want to focus on only one or two things, understanding that other areas will get less energy and attention as a result?

He’s Got a Point There

Going back to what I was saying before, social comparison really brings this kind of insight to light. We might look at the professional success of Elon Musk, but we also know his life is not without its shortcomings. He proudly boasts about practically living at work, claiming 100-hour weeks. At the same time, we’ve seen how his personal relationships have faltered, for instance.

Someone who is terrific in the kitchen might not be as good with technology. An exceptional photographer may have zero fashion sense. And that’s okay, as long as they’re okay with that. But, we shouldn’t be comparing every aspect of ourselves against people who have focused their energies on just one or two things. We can’t be Michael Jordan on the court, Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen, and Warren Buffett in investments.

You Can Do Anything, But Not Everything

The reality is that we can all strive to be the best at anything, but not everything. At least not at the same time. When people ask how you find the time to get everything done, the truth is no one does. We all make sacrifices. In Good Mom on Paper, a collection of essays by writers on creativity and motherhood, Alison Pick challenges this notion:

A decade later, I have no more clarity. I expected to look back and think, if only I’d stayed home with my baby more! Or, if only I’d prioritized my writing more! But neither one feels entirely true. Or, more accurately, they both do. I want, in equal measure, to have been the very best writer and the very best mother I was able to be. I refuse the concept of “good enough” made popular by the loathsome Donald Winnicott.

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves and social comparison isn’t helping. Maybe “good enough” should be good enough, as it seems good enough for Mario and Ryu. But, if you’d rather be a Bowser or a Baby Peach, maybe you need to let some other priorities drift to the wayside instead.

Disclosure: As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.