Constant bickering. Shouting matches. Pointing fingers and throwing things. Most people, parents or not, are at least a little familiar with the classic signs of sibling rivalry. If you have any brothers or sisters yourself, chances are that you’ve lived through some of this yourself. And while some level of sibling rivalry is normal and to be expected, we all know that it can lead to a lot of conflict and hurt feelings, now and into the future.

Not all signs of sibling rivalry are immediately obvious. It doesn’t need to come to door-slamming and vitriol-spitting. Sometimes, the signs bubble just beneath the surface and, as parents, we may not connect the dots until later on, if ever. I am still very new to this world of parenting more than one child and, for the most part, they’ve been really good with one another. But, there may be some warning signs of what can escalate later on.

Over-the-Top Sibling Love

We tend to associate sibling rivalry with outward displays of anger and resentment. Bickering, shouting matches, physical fights where someone could really get hurt, that sort of thing. The stereotypical narrative tends to hold up. As such, when we see two siblings displaying outward affection for one another, we naturally assume they have a loving relationship. That they share a strong bond with another.

Which could very well be true, but sibling love and sibling rivalry aren’t mutually exclusive, not necessarily.

In our family, our elder daughter has doted over her little brother ever since we first brought him home. Or even when he was still in utero. As far as we can tell, Addie genuinely adores Max. But, sometimes she can smother him a bit too much, invading too much of his personal space. Yes, he’s still a baby, so it’s hard to “read” how he feels about this. That being said, this could come from a place of jealousy, even if Addie doesn’t recognize it herself.

She knows that Mom and Dad have been paying more attention to her little brother, and she might feel left out. It’s possible that she is seeking our attention (and affection) by proxy. Staying close to Max increases the chances that she’ll be “involved” in whatever we’re doing.

Social Withdrawal from the Family

Here is, potentially, the other side of the sibling rivalry coin. Instead of increasing the level of engagement with the family, older siblings may choose to avoid these interactions. They may choose to isolate themselves, possibly because they don’t feel like they’re as much a part of the family anymore. “If you’re not going to pay attention to me,” the subconscious monologue may go, “then I’m not going to pay attention to you.”

Part of preparing our daughter for the new family dynamics and getting her ready for her new role as big sister meant allowing for greater independence. As first-time parents, we fell into the trap of over-supervision. We may have micromanaged her life a bit too much, fretting over every little detail. Many new parents do this with their firstborns. But, as the newborn needs more attention, older siblings have to do more on their own.

When you’re elbow-deep in dirty diapers, you might welcome the older child taking the initiative to occupy themselves. And that can indeed be helpful in the moment. But — and I think we’ve all heard this — we need to make sure that these older siblings get some much needed one-on-one attention too.

Acting Out at School

For the most part, Addie has always been a pretty good kid in school. She strives to be helpful, courteous and friendly, perhaps to a fault. That’s why I was surprised when her teacher pulled me aside during school pickup a little while back. Without getting into details, she had… an altercation with another student, something that is completely outside of her normal character.

I spoke with her teacher to learn as much as I could about the situation. We also spoke with Addie to try to figure out what was going on. She’s had some time to reflect on her behavior and it no longer appears to be an issue. Thinking about it now, it’s possible that she had some pent up frustration stemming from a sense of sibling rivalry. It’s common for children to act out, at home or at school, in an effort to get attention.

Because “bad” attention, in their mind, is better than no attention. They may not think this out logically and consciously, of course. Kids often act in the moment, and these actions aren’t always desirable.

The Many Faces of Sibling Rivalry

Just like everything else to do with parenting and child development, sibling rivalry isn’t some uniform monolith. Every kid is different, every circumstance is different, and every family dynamic is different. Of course sibling rivalry won’t look the same for everyone. That’s all the more reason why we need to be vigilant. That’s all the more reason why we need to expand our understanding of sibling rivalry beyond the stereotypical expectation of what it looks like.

Things are different the second time around for a myriad of reasons. Navigating these uncharted waters of the relationship between siblings will keep changing as they get older. And we’ll all just have to figure out how to manage it all as we go. Together.