I mean, as a couple of perpetual procrastinators, we probably should’ve seen this coming. This is how you go from “oh, we’ve got lots of time” to “how do we only have two months left?” in the blink of an eye. Yes, the arrival of Baby Kwan #2 is imminent. We’ve finally started to get some of the critical pieces in place, like the crib and the car seat. And since this is Baby Kwan #2, we’re not freaking out as much as we did as first-time parents. This is no longer our first time at the sleepless night rodeo.
Even so, there is a whole other dynamic we need to consider. We’ve heard so many stories from other parents. Many first-born children develop some sense of animosity or jealousy toward their new brothers and sisters. This is highly variable based on age gap, of course, and the personalities of the individual children. For our part, we’re trying our best to lay a good foundation, hopefully avoiding some of those initial challenges. We’re crossing some big bridges, so we should try our best to be prepared.
Involving Her in the Process
Much like adults, children want to feel included. While our daughter isn’t necessarily involved in the every decision-making process along the way, we do include her in the conversation. We tell her what’s going on, what we’re buying and why, and how things might look a little different around the house after the baby arrives.
To help put things into context, we show her updates from the pregnancy tracking apps. My wife’s app tends to use fruit as a point of reference. Oh, baby is the size of a grape now. My father-centric app is a little different. This week, it says “your cub is the size of a Nine-Banded Armadillo, and is surrounded by a round shell of maternity clothes.” I think that’s more fun. Either way, Addie likes feeling Baby Kwan #2 kick. She asks questions and we do our best to answer them.
Remembering 1-on-1 Time
As you may recall, I wrote several years ago about how the myth of Supermom is harmful for both parents. Societal gender norms may name the mother as the primary caregiver by default, but that’s not necessarily reflective of how many modern couples can and should operate. This doesn’t mean that every responsibility needs to be split 50/50, but rather that each partner takes on their fair share.
We plan on breastfeeding, for instance. Naturally, while I can be there to support, I’m not exactly taking on the active role there. What this may mean, then, is that I will be spending more 1-on-1 time with Addie instead. And while there is definitely the element of helping her feel more involved, looking for ways she can “help” with baby’s care, we also want to make sure that she still gets her own individual attention too.
Our childcare situation is also such that my mom can help watch Addie. That way, I’m better equipped to take care of Baby Kwan #2 and Mommy can get the rest she’ll need. This is a team sport, and we’ll be playing some combination of both zone and one-on-one defense.
Helping Her Understand What This Means
To be perfectly honest, she’s been asking for a little sibling for a while now. She’s also been asking for a pet, so she’ll just have to settle for another tiny human for now.
Search through your local library or your favorite bookstore and you’ll find tons of age-appropriate books on the topic. The Baby Is Here from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood was awesome for us. She already loves the show and the books, which helps. Addie is a bit older than 4-year-old Daniel, but the points of reference are relatively similar for that age group.
We also liked how this story talks about how Daniel is excited to help, how the baby isn’t always ready for his help, and how everything works out grr-ific for everyone at the end. Addie sounds eager to help, but she also needs to recognize that baby care is never quite so simple. She also needs to understand that Mommy or Daddy may be busy with Baby Kwan #2 sometimes and may not be able to attend to her in the same way we have been.
Allowing for Greater Independence
It’s hard to believe, but she’s almost six years old. More and more, we’re trying to learn how to let go so she can be her own person and do her own thing. This means granting her a greater sense of independence and autonomy. We let her do more things for herself, which also frees us up to take care of the baby a bit more. This has a lot to do with the age gap, of course. If the first-born is still quite young, they won’t be quite ready for that.
While she’s not quite at the stage where we can “assign” her activity and she’ll stay engaged with it independently for an hour, she is at a point where she isn’t constantly demanding our attention moment to moment. That ability to self-entertain and self-engage will hopefully grow, and she’ll eventually get to the point where she can really “help” as the “big sister.”
Getting Ready for New Family Dynamics
According to a Pew Research study cited in Fast Company, about twice as many women in their 40s had two children (35%) compared to one child (18%) or three children (20%). So, we’re about average. Our situation is certainly not unique. I grew up in a two-child household myself, but I’m the baby of the family. I’ve never had to experience the challenges, frustrations and responsibilities of being the older sibling.
Realistically, my little girl is totally ready to be a big sister. In fact, she’s super stoked about it, telling us all about how she’s going to help with this and that. And how she wants to teach her little sibling how to do everything. But am I ready to be a father of two? That’s a different question altogether. I guess we’ll find out in a couple months.
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