For the unhappy, Christmas is always a bad time: the terrible false jollity that comes at you from every side, braying about goodwill and peace and family fun, makes loneliness and depression particularly hard to bear. I had never seen her so strained.

Indulge me for just a moment as we follow the somewhat convoluted path that led me to sharing the quote above. The context relates to American poet Sylvia Plath, of whom I learned about only because of Master of None with Aziz Ansari. Go figure. Sylvia Plath is the subject of one of the chapters in Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell. And in that chapter, Gladwell brings up these choice words by one Alfred Alvarez. You may (or may not) know him better simply as Al Alvarez.

The Untimely Death of Sylvia Plath

A contemporary of Sylvia Plath, Alfred Alvarez was also an American poet, as well as a novelist, critic, and essayist. He passed away late last year at the ripe old age of 90. By comparison, Sylvia Plath took her own life at the tender age of 30. I don’t claim to be an expert on Plath, by any stretch of the imagination, but everyone agrees that she was clinically depressed for most of her adult life, even getting treated with electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) on multiple occasions.

But still, the world was too much.

Depression can turn into a vicious cycle quite easily. When you’re feeling down, you may retreat from the world in general and social interactions in particular. This lends itself to an increased sense of isolation, which can further depress your mood, and around and around we go.

Perhaps paradoxically, we also find that the ones laughing the loudest on the inside are often the ones crying on the inside. It makes it even worse when you’re expected to be the one who brings joy to the world.

The Danger of Christmas Joy

The Alfred Alvarez quote above, as mentioned, describes some of the circumstances surrounding Plath’s untimely demise. She took her own life on February 11, just a few short weeks after the Christmas season.

We have to remember that social comparison is contextual. Even if you’re well “above average” on a macro scale, you’ll generally compare yourself with your (perceived) peer group. This is how you get into “keeping up with the Joneses.” If Tim got a new Toyota, you want a new Lexus. But, what happens when all the messaging around you is overwhelmingly happy and cheerful, as is the case during the Christmas holidays?

If everyone else seems like they’re operating at a 9 on the happiness scale, then your 4 or 5 suddenly feels a lot more like a 2 or a 1 by comparison.

And that’s just how it may have been like in the early 1960s when Sylvia Plath made that final decision. And that’s why Alfred Alvarez brought up the point above. He had “never seen her so strained.”

Social Comparison Is Relative

If anything, the challenge may have become exponentially greater in contemporary times. The world of social media in particular constantly bombards us with curated positivity, as everyone strives to show off how they’re “living their best lives.” Our mundane, everyday lives can feel that much worse by comparison. It’s almost as if this kind of online environment has generated a sense of perpetual, persistent Christmas. Look at all the shiny things. Look how much they shine compared to your dull existence.

I’m clearly as addicted to the Internet and social media and a sense of validation as anyone else. Cutting ourselves off from the web and living as analog hermits is not a viable solution. But, we can strive to lead more authentic lives and present ourselves more authentically too. Easier said than done, I know. It’s just an idea.

To learn more about Alfred Alvarez, check out his obituary in The Guardian. Malcolm Gladwell’s Talking to Strangers is available now in hardcover, paperback, ebook, and audiobook formats.

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