These lies are different from the beliefs born of naive optimism before we had kids. Oh, now we know all they’re going to eat junk food and watch PAW Patrol. We know that all too well. Instead, I’m talking more about the kinds of lies parents tell themselves on an everyday kind of basis. Parenting is hard. So, we deceive ourselves, perhaps in an effort to make it feel a little more manageable. Call it a survival technique.
But, let’s be honest. It’s just us here. And we’re just fooling ourselves when we say things like this…
1. I’m Just Going to Rest My Eyes
Many parents are all too familiar with a perpetual state of exhaustion. I’ve had more than a couple people greet me not with “hello,” but rather to tell me that I “look tired.” Now, I wonder why that might be…
One of the most common pieces of advice given to new parents is to sleep when baby sleeps. But, even when you’ve only got a few minutes of reprieve, you may be tempted to lie down on the couch and just rest your eyes for a minute. Except it’s never just a minute. Before you know it, you’re down for the count. You’re taking a nap.
2. I’ll Wake Up Early Tomorrow and Do It
At the end of a long day, the last thing you want to do is, well, anything. Whether you’re trying to endure the third shift as a work-at-home mom or dad, or you’ve just got some household stuff to deal with, you don’t really want to do it. You’d rather just go to bed.
So, you make a deal with yourself. You can go to bed early, with the promise that you’ll wake up extra early the next morning to do whatever it is that you needed to do. Except you end up watching Netflix or mindlessly scrolling through your phone in bed, so you don’t go to sleep early, and so you don’t actually wake up extra early the next morning. And the thing is still left undone. Ugh.
It’s hard to find the time, energy and focus to get things done. Especially when you’re not at all a morning person.
3. I’ll Make an Exception Just This One Time
Who would’ve predicted that parents would need to develop such strong negotiation skills? Kids can make very tough debate opponents. Eventually, you concede a little and offer a compromise. Okay, just this one time, I’ll let you stay up past your bedtime. But, only this one time!
But, it’s never just that one time. That kid is staying up past their bedtime again very soon. Probably with some ice cream too. And this applies to so many areas of their lives. These are the lies parents tell themselves because they just want to move on. You’ve got to pick your battles wisely.
4. After This Phase, It’ll Finally Get Easier
Maybe you’re here, at wit’s end, dealing with the temper tantrum of a toddler who just calm down. You repeat this mantra to yourself, because it might help you get through the next hour or two: it gets easier. Or maybe you’ve already survived the terrible twos… only to face the wrath of the threenager. Now, they’ve got more words to voice their discontent. Then, before you know it, you’ve got the “what the fours?” followed by “for five’s sake” and “so six and tired.” It just goes on and on.
Stop kidding yourself. It doesn’t get easier. Not really. Instead, it just gets different. Every phase and age presents a whole new set of challenges, and it’s like you have to learn how to be a parent all over again.
5. Everyone Else Does It, Why Can’t I?
You look around at the other parents and it sure seems like they’ve got their act together. Their kid actually shows up at school on time. And they’re properly dressed, with carefully completed homework and a nutritious lunch stowed neatly in their backpacks. Everything is picture perfect. Except, you don’t know their struggles. You don’t see the hidden battles.
This is especially true when we compare ourselves to the friends we see online. Social media is a lie. Or at least it’s misleading by virtue of curation and conscious omission. As Ricky Gervais once pointed out, no one else knows what they’re doing either. Just some people are better at playing the part of looking competent and put together.
6. I’ve Still Got Time
Before we had kids, we existed in a state of ignorant bliss. Our optimism was born of naivety, because we had this ideal vision in our minds of what parenthood would look like. Even when reality smacked us in the face, showing us just how difficult and disorderly it can be, somehow a glimmer of optimism persisted. Oh, we wake up thinking we can accomplish so much.
Oh, I’ve got two hours before I need to pick up the kid from school. That should be enough time for me to reply to emails, mow the lawn, buy groceries, change the oil on my car and complete my income tax return. Lies, all of them. Or when we know that an important date is coming up, we delude ourselves into thinking we’ve still got time. Valentine’s Day is still a week away! We’ve still got time for little Jessica to put together custom cards for all her classmates. Then, seemingly all of a sudden, it’s February 13 and nothing’s been done.
So, you make yourself another promise. Next time, you’ll plan and prepare ahead of time. You won’t leave it to the last minute again. Except, no, you won’t. You’ll end up frantically gathering holiday gifts, helping to complete school projects, or whatever else at the last minute again.
7. I’m Not Doing Enough
When I first set out to write this blog post, I thought I was going to end on some sort of snarky punchline. This is not that. Instead, it’s probably one of the most insidious lies that us parents tell ourselves, whether or not we realize we’re doing it. As you may already know, I’ve been struggling with this idea of “enough” for quite some time. On both a conscious and unconscious level, I’m constantly comparing myself to other parents and their kids.
Someone recently asked us what classes Addie was taking. I told them that Addie has all sorts of classes in kindergarten, including music, math, reading, and even yoga. They then clarified, “I mean, what classes outside of school?” She’s not taking anything outside of kindergarten, because we knew this transition was already going to be a big one. But, this question gave me pause. Are we doing enough?
Other kids are in swimming, soccer, ballet, taekwondo, archery, basket weaving, advanced quantum physics… Am I doing enough for her? Am I earning enough to provide my family with the best life possible? Taken even further, am I enough? As parents, we need to stop putting ourselves down with this lie that we’re not doing enough.
We’re all doing the best we can, right?
And That’s the Truth
On that note, I’m going to call it an early night so I can get up early tomorrow to do our taxes, clean all the toilets, scrub the inside of the stove, sign her up for music lessons, and read 12 books, all before cooking up a nutritious breakfast from scratch at 6 a.m. Totally doable and realistic, right?
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