Honestly, we had no real idea of what we were getting ourselves into. You see how parenthood is depicted on TV. Old wives’ tales abound. But, until you get into the thick of things yourself, you’re not really certain what to make of all those common parenting myths out there. How can you separate fact from fiction? Yes, every baby, every child is different, just as parents experience wildly different circumstances. That’s true.
All this being said, some narratives are repeated so often, they’re taken for granted. People assume they’re true, because they just have to be, right? As it turns out, so many of these common parenting myths don’t play out in the real world, at least not for everyone.
You’ll Love Your Kids at First Sight
“I knew from the moment I first laid eyes on her that she had my heart and always would.”
The narrative goes that a rush of powerful emotions will overwhelm you the first time you meet your child. For me, it wasn’t the moment of childbirth so much as the first time I got to hold our firstborn in my arms. The pregnancy and our foray into parenthood became so much more real, so tangible, so immediate. Other new moms and dads report a similar kind of experience.
But not all new moms and dads. The truth is that, for many parents, those first few minutes, hours, days or even weeks and months can feel awfully surreal. And you might feel “bad” for not falling instantly in love with your new baby. This is one of the most harmful of parenting myths, because you have no real reason to feel bad if you don’t experience the same rush of emotions. That’s okay. We all learn to bond and connect with our children in different ways and on different timelines.
Maybe it’s not until they get to the age where they have a bit more personality, when they start to resemble more of a “real person” and not just a squishy blob of flesh that poops and spits up on you, that you forge that kind of lifelong connection. For some parents, it’s seeing that first smile. Or the first word. It’s all good.
Your Kids Are Manipulating You
I know that I certainly fell into this trap.
“She’s only crying because she knows this will get your attention.”
As much as we might (want to?) believe that our children are these manipulative, mischievous little creatures who keep pushing all our buttons, the reality is that they probably don’t know what they’re doing. Their prefrontal cortex is nowhere near fully formed. What this means is that they have poor decision-making and planning skills. They lack forethought and live much more “in the moment.”
One of the many lessons from The Whole Brain Child is that kids are still figuring out how to get their “upstairs brain” (higher level thinking) to communicate effectively with their “downstairs brain” (animal instincts). They’re crying because they’re upset or frustrated and don’t know how else to communicate effectively in the moment. Your kids probably aren’t trying to manipulate you.
Thus, we should try to connect with them on an emotional level first, de-escalate the situation, and then try to hash things out on a more practical, logical level.
You Spoil Your Kids by Holding Them Too Much
Here are two parenting myths that tie directly into one another. Just as your kids probably aren’t trying to manipulate you, at least not intentionally, you’re not spoiling them when you attend to their emotional needs. One approach to parenting says that you should let your kids (read: mostly infants, but also young children in general) cry it out. That way, they learn they can’t manipulate you. And they learn how to self-soothe.
The counterargument says that by allowing your babies to cry it out, they learn that they can’t trust you or rely on you. Over time, they become distant, detached or unloving themselves. For my part, I don’t think either extreme is totally correct. Realistically, when you hold and cuddle with your children, you provide them with a sense of safety and security. They feel loved as they receive your unconditional positive regard.
With this comes confidence to go out into the world, because they know they can always rely on you to back them up or provide them a place of sanctuary. And you know what? On purely a sentimental level, they’re only so little for so long. We may as well savor these snuggles and cuddles as much as we can, because the days are long but the years are short.
Your Parenting Instincts Will Naturally Kick In
If a baseball comes flying toward your face, you’ll instinctively try to get out of the way. Or maybe you’ll try to block it or catch it. Either way, you don’t really think about it. Your body just knows what to do out of instinct. And when they say most parents are simply trying to figure it out as they go along, they also imply that your parenting instincts will ensure you make (mostly) the right decisions. You’ll know what to do.
From maternal instinct to paternal instinct, we’d like to think that parenting comes naturally once you’re thrown into the thick of things. Except it doesn’t. Here’s another one of those parenting myths that make us feel bad when we don’t live up to (unrealistic) expectations. If everyone else can do it, why can’t I?
The truth is that while instincts may play a part, parenting is filled largely with acts of intention. We make choices and we do the best we can with incomplete information and unrivaled uncertainty.
Your Kids’ Needs Must Always Come First
Parenting is hard. And for a lot of us moms and dads, we feel like everything we do, we do for our children. They give us purpose, because they are wholly dependent on us for all of their physiological and emotional needs. Right? We start to think that what we want doesn’t really matter anymore, because it’s all for the kids. We sacrifice everything for them.
But is this really a healthy mentality? Just as perpetuating the myth of Supermom is harmful, we’ve got to put aside the narrative of the “mommy martyr.” Or the “working dad” who puts in 80 hours a week, wearing socks with holes in them for years, because he feels he must provide the best possible life for his children. I’m not detracting from parents who do this, but we also have to remember to take better care of ourselves too.
It’s cliché at this point, but it’s true that we simply cannot serve from an empty vessel. Self-care is important. When parents are happier and healthier, they’re better at being parents. The overtired, overstretched, overworked parent will struggle. And the kids, consciously or unconsciously, will see this and internalize this. Yes, we’re crazy about our kids, but we don’t have to go completely crazy doing it.
Finding Truth in Parenting Myths
Many parenting myths are half-truths wrapped in good intentions. Others are outright lies, rife with deception that serves no purpose but to make us feel bad for how poorly we’re doing. Really, though, we could all benefit from cutting ourselves a little slack when we don’t live up to what parenthood is “supposed to” look like. Every child is different and every family situation is different, so our individual experiences will be different too. And that’s okay.
The funny thing is that while many parenting myths don’t hold up, a number of parenting clichés do stand up to scrutiny. The days are long, the years are short, and they grow up way faster than you’d ever really expect them to. Cherish the little moments. Because if you blink, you just might miss it.
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