For generations, our life expectations remained relatively constant. You’re born on the family farm, and by the time you can walk, your parents start grooming you to take over the family farm one day. You learn the requisite skills, get married, have kids… and the cycle renews. But things have changed. There’s a pressure to excel, because from a very young age, we’re told that anything is possible.
I want to be an astronaut, a movie star, the president of the United States. Anything is possible. And because anything is possible, anything short of incredible is a disappointment. Of course, by definition, we can’t all be exceptional on average. We must, on average, be average. But we’re told that we’re special. We’re not like everyone else, except of course we are.
Ahead of the Curve
In grade 4, I was pulled aside by my teacher because she identified me as “gifted” when it came to math. She called in a special tutor, a grade 6 or 7 student at the school, who would teach me grade 5 math while the rest of the class followed the standard curriculum. I felt special.
In grade 5 and 6, now at a different school, I was once again identified as “gifted.” So, I was pulled aside along with some other “gifted” students to participate in the “enrichment program.” We’d learn and explore topics off the standard curriculum in a bit more of an open format. One year was architecture. Another was law, including a visit to the courts downtown where we held a mock trial. Judge Michael presiding. You may now be seated.
In grade 8, now in high school, I was chosen for the accelerated math and science programs. I’d complete three years of coursework (8-10) in two years. This led to taking Chemistry 12 in grade 11, and first year university Calculus in grade 12. And generally speaking, I did well. And I, at least from an academic standpoint, felt special.
The Underachieving Overachiever
I don’t say any of the things above in an effort to gloat. Instead, it’s about setting up the context for my current bouts of anxiety and depression. When you’re told, directly or indirectly, that you are “special” or “extraordinary” in some way from a very young age, you internalize a certain set of expectations. You come to believe that anything less than exceptional isn’t good enough.
This is how I come to feel like my successes are grossly overshadowed by my failures. Objectively speaking, life is pretty good. Above average, even. But then I can’t help but dwell on the areas where I’m coming up short. Or where I perceive that I’m coming up short. When you’re groomed as an overachiever, typical, average mediocrity is underachieving.
What results, as you may gather from the title of today’s blog post, is a pressure to excel. This pressure, real or imagined, comes from those closest to us, as well as from society as a whole. Realistically, I don’t think my loved ones really care or notice any incremental quantitative success; they just want me to be happy, just as I want them to be happy. And yet, I feel condemned to be remarkable, and anything less than that just isn’t good enough.
The Curse of Comparison
Before the meteoric rise of social media, we compared ourselves to mass media and popular culture. It’s perfectly understandable that we’d be entranced by the lifestyles of the rich and famous. We also understood that such lifestyles were the stuff of daydreams. They weren’t really grounded in reality.
But with social media, we’re comparing ourselves to our peers (and our perceived peers). Not only that, but we’re comparing ourselves to the curated versions of their lives. I see my mundane, everyday existence and see how it pales in comparison to the superstar influencer, blogger, vlogger or Internet celebrity. The pressure to excel intensifies, because these #goals are presented as reasonably attainable.
When will we be satisfied with “good enough”? When will we accept mediocrity as perfectly sufficient, more than adequate for leading a happy and fulfilling life? Ambition is a good thing, to be sure, but how can we balance that with gratitude and mental health? Or will we always be cursed, viewing our lives as ones of disappointment, which leads to depression, which leads to poorer performance… an unbroken vicious cycle?
How do you cope?
Wow. This really spoke to me. I wish I didn’t feel this way as well, but I do a lot of the time. Never really put it into words as well as you just have.
On the one hand, I’m glad this spoke to you. On the other hand, I’m sad I couldn’t be of more help. Where do we go from here?
I agree so strongly with this post. I was an overachiever with an extreme anxiety disorder (and undiagnosed ADHD) leading to crippling depression in my early 20’s.
I continually remind myself that I have created a life that I love that works wonderfully for me and makes me happy… despite the fact that I don’t outwardly look like the definition of a highly successful woman.
And that’s such a huge part of it that so many people (myself included) overlook. Are you trying to be successful for yourself and your family? Or are you trying to put on *the appearance* of being successful for the sake of others? It’s just like when we ask ourselves if we want to BE rich or if we want to LOOK rich. The guy wearing sweatpants and driving a Corolla could be much wealthier than the guy in the Gucci suit driving a Mercedes (because the latter could buried under crippling debt).
I know it’s way easier said than done, but we’d really stop worrying what other people thought of us if we realized how seldom they do.