All some dads want for Father’s Day is to spend all day with their kids. Other dads would prefer a day all to themselves, away from their kids. And both of these wishes are equally valid. While I’d be perfectly happy with either outcome, if we’re being honest, that’s not the Father’s Day present at the top of my wish list. Sure, I’d be happy with a handmade card, a family photo session, or a sweet new video game I surely have no time to play, they’re not on my Father’s Day wish list this year either. So, what do I want for Father’s Day?

Nothing.

I don’t want anything for Father’s Day.

Before you praise (or admonish) me for this apparent virtue-signaling modesty or martyrdom, realize a rather important detail. I don’t want any one thing for Father’s Day. Rather, I’m far more greedy than that. I don’t want something for Father’s Day. Because there is something I want so much more every day instead. A couple of things, actually. And I don’t feel like I’m alone with this line of thinking. Allow me to elaborate.

Dads Want to Feel Competent

If you’ll indulge me in this leap of logic, I’d like to generalize my fatherhood experience to dads in general. Surely, there are exceptions. Not all dads are going to feel this way. But, I’m willing to bet that a great number of them will agree with me on this point, even if they may not be willing to express it themselves.

Us dads? We want to feel like we are “good” at “what we do,” whatever that might be. We want to feel competent and capable, like we have the skill, talent, and maybe even the experience to do the job well. This might be in the sphere of our professional work, the “day job” that brings home the bacon.

But, this desire for perceived competence applies just as equally to feeling like we are being a “good dad.” The definition of what it means to be a “good dad” can vary, but however we choose to define the role in its ideal form, we want to be that. We worry about being seen as useless, incompetent dads. Mainstream portrayals of dads as bumbling dolts don’t help the situation.

Or golf, video games, or some other treasured hobby. Or, all of the above, all at once, if we’re being completely honest here. Dads want to feel like we know what we’re doing and feel like we’re good at it. That’s perhaps part of the reason why so many of us struggle with asking for help. If we need someone else to help us with something, we feel — rightly or wrongly — that we are then not good at that thing. That’s not a good feeling, so we do everything we can to avoid it.

Dads Want to Feel Appreciated

Feeling like we’re good at what we do is certainly nice. But maybe it’s not quite enough. Call me greedy if you must, but dads want to feel like they’re valued too. We want to feel like our efforts are appreciated.

Maybe this idea goes hand-in-hand with the notion of competence, but it’s also not really the same thing. We not only want to feel good about competence and efficacy. We want the important people in our lives to appreciate the things that we do. In other words, we don’t want to feel like our hard work is overlooked or we’re being taken for granted. It’s not a business transaction where we’re looking to be “fairly compensated,” as it’s much more ethereal than that.

A simple “thank you” or a hug can go a very long way. Whether we work hard so we can pay the bills or we work hard to be “good dads,” a little recognition is incredibly powerful. Maybe it’s just another form of validation.

The Best Father’s Day Gift of All

Now, how do you go about giving these two things to the dads in your life? That, I’m not too sure about, honestly. Maybe the Father’s Day gift is partly a performative gesture, like a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug. Or it’s a whole guilt-free afternoon of intense Mario Kart action with the whole family. Every family looks a bit different. What we want for Father’s Day in a specific, pragmatic sense is going to be a bit different.

In a more general sense, all of us dads just want to feel seen and appreciated. The “nothing” I want for Father’s Day? I guess it’s a pretty big, nebulous “something” after all.