Any parent who tells you they know exactly what they’re doing is lying to you. The reality for those of us in the trenches is that we’re all just figuring it out as we go along. We just have to do the best the can with what we’ve got, but we’re going to make mistakes. Hopefully, we can learn from those mistakes so we can do better moving forward. This applies to the kind of language we use with our children too, including a range of problematic phrases.

Personally, I know that I’ve been guilty of all of these. If you catch yourself saying some of these things to your kids too, try to take a step back and consider some of the wider ramifications that these choice of words can have. We all want our children to grow up into happy, healthy, competent and confident adults, right?

Boys Will Be Boys

Or, “boys are just like that.”

At the more innocent end of this, you might excuse a little boy from rutting around in the mud and making a mess of himself. Or perhaps throwing caution to the wind as he engages in increasingly risky behavior at the playground. At the far more harmful end of these problematic phrases, you raise a generation of young men whose criminal acts are dismissed as a matter of “boys will be boys.” And that is absolutely, unequivocally not acceptable.

From the toys we give them to how we differentiate between how we treat them, phrases like “boys will be boys” set the foundation on which toxic masculinity is allowed to thrive. It’s also how we got to a point where dads are either emasculated or automatically regarded as incompetent. To change this narrative and bring it into the 21st century, we must recognize the (harmful) stereotypes we can unwittingly perpetuate as parents.

That’s No Lady!

You could say this is the other side of the same coing. Derived from a bit of Chingrish grammar by my mom, this turn of phrase is perhaps better understood as “girls don’t do that kind of thing.” Or, “That’s no way to be a lady.” We might catch ourselves saying this when our daughter puts her feet up on her chair during dinner, for example. Or when she otherwise engages in what some might deem “unladylike” behavior.

But, if we want to raise her into a strong, confident young woman, a person who has no qualms about expressing herself, advocating for herself, and standing up for what she believes in, then we need to be more careful around phrases like, “That’s no way to be a lady.” This goes beyond the pervasive princess culture. I’m not saying we should raise our children without rules and decorum. Instead, perhaps we should frame it more around “good manners” rather than “that’s no lady.”

Hey! No More Crying

Are you struggling to survive the terrible twos? Have yourself a threenager on your hands? Maybe you’re ready to throw your hands up in defeat navigating through What the Fours. The toddler and preschool stages can be especially challenging for everyone involved. The little one is still developing their language skills and you’re flustered trying to figure out why they’re upset in the first place and/or how to calm them down.

That’s really at the heart of a lot of child misbehavior, especially at this age. It’s a breakdown in communication. They’ve got big feelings that they both don’t know how to navigate nor do they know how to relay this information to you. The tears come pouring out, as do the screams, and all you want to do is tell the kid to stop crying. “NO MORE CRYING!” you exclaim. “THAT’S ENOUGH!”

But, as I had previously discussed:

By telling a child to “stop crying,” you’re implicitly diminishing their experience. Like their feelings don’t matter. But, [their feelings] should [matter]. Instead, acknowledge their experience. Ensure they know that they’re being heard. It’s okay to be sad. Or mad. It’s just the child misbehavior that may be unacceptable, and they can learn to understand that.

Their emotions are valid, even if their perspective may be inaccurate. And learning how to bottle up those feelings may not be the healthiest practice either. In an ideal world, as they come to see that you see them, that you understand them, they’ll calm down and stop crying naturally. This is perhaps an overly optimistic viewpoint, but a parent can dream, right?

Look at (Name). Why Can’t You Do That?

Maybe I’m projecting my own insecurity and desperate need for external validation. Perhaps I’m going in with this mindset of comparison from the get-go, like so many of us are. While there is absolutely something to be said, particularly from an evolutionary perspective, about looking to your peer group for guidance, it can also become an insidious game that simply fuels more insecurity.

I know parents do it all the time. See, your brother finished his supper. Why can’t you be more like him? See, your classmate Gwendolyn is choosing to read quietly by herself. Why can’t you do that too? See, your cousin just got accepted into Harvard. Why are you slacking on your schoolwork? All this kind of narrative does is reinforce the false idea that your child is inadequate or coming up short in some way. That they’re not “good enough.”

Believe me when I say that I’m all too familiar with this idea of “not good enough” (and it’s through no direct fault of my parents). It fuels a culture and narrative of social comparison, rather than measuring progress or success against your own internal standards. Motivation and validation must start from within.

I’ll Think About It

Be honest. The answer is no. So, just say so.