My brother and I are five years apart. My son and daughter are six years apart. And so, it goes without saying that I’m most familiar with this kind of age gap. For many would-be parents, though, one of the most common questions they’d ask themselves has to do with the “best” age gap between kids. For the purposes of today’s discussion, I’m going to stick to the situation with two siblings in total. If we start talking about three or more kids, the dynamics get way more complicated.

So, is it “better” to have children closer in age? Or is having more of an age gap between siblings a “better” idea?

Planning in an Ideal World

Now, I fully recognize that would-be parents are never fully in control of the situation. There might be certain measures you can take to shift the odds, but nothing is ever 100 percent. Some couples can try to start a family for years and nothing seems to work. And I don’t need to tell you about the “oops” situation on the other end of that scale. Between miscarriages, fertility treatments, age-related factors, and everything else, things don’t always go according to plan. We know this.

As we enter into this conversation, which I realize can be a difficult topic for some people, let’s keep in mind that we’re talking purely in hypotheticals here. It assumes that we live in an ideal world where all the stars align perfectly and everything always works out exactly the way we hope. Given this omnipotence, what are the pros and cons of possible age gaps between children?

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am

On one end of the spectrum, you might have an age gap of only a year or two. The children are very close in range, which offers some advantages and disadvantages. Taking care of newborns and toddlers is hard, so you might want to approach the situation like ripping off a Band-Aid.

As you might suspect, the sleep deprivation factor is substantial with this arrangement.

Of course, it doesn’t get any closer together than if you have twins.

It can be very hard when you have two (or more) very young children in your life, but there are some definite up-sides too.

  • Once you’re out of diapers and potty training, you never have to go back.
  • They’re more likely to “grow up” together as peers, sometimes sharing friend groups.
  • Economies of scale come into play, because they can share many of the same things.
  • One-on-one parenting can get you through stages more easily.
  • As the children get older, they can sign up for the same programs and activities.

Is it true that a smaller age gap can intensify sibling rivalry? If they’re closer in age, are they more likely to compete with one another? I can’t say for sure.

Practical Considerations

When thinking about age gap, we obviously think a lot about the relationship between siblings. We also think about how we might best manage the situation as parents. Another side of the conversation is much more practical or pragmatic in nature. For example, you might try to “time” the children so that you only have to pay for one daycare at a time.

When the elder child starts elementary school, you have to worry a bit less about childcare costs. Depending on your particular situation, you might involve some before- or after-school care. But, at least you don’t have to worry about daycare on a typical school day.

Another related consideration has to do with maternity leave. This will depend on your local laws and your individual employer, of course. In Canada, one of the minimum eligibility requirements for parental leave is you must have “accumulated 600 insured hours of work in the 52 weeks before the start of your claim.”

Not everyone is fortunate enough to have maternity leave or paternity leave. And even for people who qualify, it can be really hard to make ends meet on less than your usual salary. Money concerns definitely play a role in choosing what might be the best age gap for your family.

You Gotta Keep ‘Em Separated

As I mentioned at the top, I’m most familiar with this sort of “medium” age gap between siblings. I’d say that this encapsulates age gaps of around five years or so, give or take. In my personal experience as a father, this has given enough time and space for each child to receive more individual attention. If you’ve been reading this blog and following me on social media, you’ll know how much I dote over my daughter.

Because of the six year age gap, I feel like I’ve been more involved in her early years. If her younger brother had already been around during that time, I’m not as confident I’d be able to give her that kind of individual attention. Since she’s a bit older, she can also be more independent. This means she can engage in her own activity while we take care of her baby brother. It also means she’s a bit more eager to be a little helper and she can take on more responsibility.

But, having more of an age gap between siblings is certainly not without its shortcomings. Whereas having kids closer in age is like tearing off a Band-Aid, having kids further apart can prolong or renew familiar challenges. Just when you thought you were out, they pull you back in with dirty diaper duty again.

In his book Originals: How Non-Conformists Move the World, author Adam Grant devotes a section on birth order. He says that while first-borns tend tend to prefer most established ways of being, later-borns tend to be more rebellious or unconventional. Later-borns more readily accept radical change.

When kids are closer together in age, they can more readily compete at the same level. When they’re further apart, the younger child may try harder to differentiate themselves, to carve out their own identity. Maybe that’s how I ended up as a freelance writer, starting my own business practically straight out of university.

Also, maybe a larger age gap encourages the older child to take more of a “mentor” role than a “peer” role with their younger sibling. My older brother never really saw me as an equal, but he understood the responsibility he had to “take care of his younger brother.”

Then again, maybe all siblings fight, regardless of how far apart they are in age.

What Is the Best Age Gap?

I hate to break it to you, but we’re ending this blog post right where we started. The truth—and you probably saw this coming—is that there’s no such thing as the “best” age gap. Just like how there’s no best age to become a dad. The reality is it depends on your situation, priorities and preferences.

There are pros and cons to either extreme and everything in between. When your kids are closer together, they may share a lot more in common. And you can “get it over with” when it comes to diapers and sleepless nights. But, kids further apart have a different kind of relationship. And the financial ramifications can be more practical too.

So, tell me. Those of you out there with two or more kids, how has the age gap between your children worked out for you? Do you wish they were closer or further apart in age?

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