Originally, I was going to talk about man-to-man defense in contrast to zone defense. If we’re following the analogy of professional basketball or football, that would be the most common vernacular. But, I didn’t like how it wasn’t gender neutral. In the context of sports, you might hear about person-to-person defense or player-to-player defense instead. Or one-on-one defense. Or maybe even divide and conquer. Whatever term you want to use, this approach seems to be common among parents.

Now, the entirety of my evidence for this assertion is purely anecdotal. I’ve seen, heard and read things from families around me, both online and in real life. The crux of one-on-one defense (or whatever you want to call it) is one parent watches over one child, while the other parent watches over the other child. But, really, it’s more specific than that, at least in my experience.

Dad Takes Kid, Mom Takes Baby

Even if it’s not discussed explicitly between partners, it seems that the same thing often ends up happening when you have two parents and two children.

Dad tends to take the older child. And Mom cares for the newborn.

That’s been my experience so far, broadly speaking. Of course, things change day to day, moment to moment. But, as a parenting strategy, I might be the one who takes our six-year-old for a bike ride. Meanwhile, Mom stays home with the baby. I’ll read more bedtime stories, and she’ll sing more lullabies.

My brother-in-law and his wife have largely taken the same approach with their two children. Of course, everything changes when you have three or more kids, so I’m not going to get into that.

While it would be inaccurate to say that I haven’t been involved in taking care of our baby boy, it would be perfectly fair to say that I haven’t been as involved as I was the first time around with our daughter. Maybe I’ve fallen a bit more into the trap of traditional gender roles and expectations to some degree. I never think I’m doing enough and I know I can always do more.

How Zone Defense Is Different

Now, of course I recognize there are obvious anatomical and physiological differences between moms and dads. These are especially obvious when you’re exclusively breastfeeding. But even these aside, how did we fall into this default status of one-on-one defense? And how would things be different if we took a zone defense approach instead?

As discussed, if you take the divide and conquer approach, one parent cares for one child, while the other parent takes the other. Maybe one parent changes a diaper and gives the baby a bath. And the other parent plays checkers with the older sibling. With zone defense, each parent takes on a certain realm of responsibility.

One parent may play with both children, while the other parent prepares dinner.

Is this smarter? More effective? Maybe.

The Strength of Tag Team Parenting

It could also be the case that you tag team the childcare situation. One parent takes care of both kids for a time. Meanwhile, the other parent can get some well-deserved rest and enjoy a bit of reprieve. Then, perhaps on a different day, they trade positions. Since you cannot serve from an empty vessel, you both need some time to recharge your batteries and fill those vessels back up.

On a related note, we have to remember that “equal parenting” doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is split 50/50 either. With zone defense, each partner can lean into their strengths and preferences. Maybe one of you is better at cooking and the other is better at homework help. Every family situation is different. And realistically, every day is a whole new adventure too.

How do you tackle this parenting dilemma in your family? Do you lean toward a “divide and conquer” approach to multiple children? Or do you prefer more of a “zone defense” strategy?