When children experience a particular state of mind, such as feeling frustrated or lonely, they may be tempted to define themselves based on that temporary experience, as opposed to understanding that that’s simply how they feel at the moment. Instead of saying, “I feel lonely” or “I feel sad right now,” they say, “I am lonely” or “I am sad.” The danger is that the temporary state of mind can be perceived as a permanent part of their self. The state comes to be seen as a trait that defines who they are.

Raising children is hard work. Just when you think you might have at least part of it figured out, everything changes. I totally get that. I also understand that every child is different, and not all parenting strategies are equally effective in all situations. All this being said, I found a lot of practical value in The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.

Understanding Child Psychology

Maybe it’s because I majored in psychology in university, but I really appreciated the more scientific approach the book takes in explaining why kids think (and act) the way they do. At the same time, Siegel and Bryson explain and illustrate the concepts in a meaningful, actionable way that all parents can understand.

They talk about “left brain” vs. “right brain” thinking, for example. And the difference between the “upstairs brain” and the “downstairs brain,” including how you can explain these concepts to your children at an age-appropriate level.

You might not know it from what I put forth publicly on social media, but I can be quick-tempered. The Whole-Brain Child reminded me of the importance of keeping a cool head, as best you can, while also recognizing that we’re all human and we’re not always our best selves. And we must also recognize that our children can very much reflect our own mindsets and behaviors. They’re always watching. And learning.

Traits, States and Destined Fates

Take the quote at the top. How many times have we said something like “I am angry” at our children? Do we just internalize that as a trait that defines who we are? Or is it a temporary state? To “nurture your child’s developing mind” means we must first seek to understand. And we can help facilitate the process for our children, so they can better understand themselves too.

Remember that the most common root of child misbehavior is a breakdown in communication. Maybe they don’t understand you or why you’re not letting them have ice cream for breakfast. Or maybe they’re struggling with articulating their own thoughts, feelings and experiences in a way that you understand. We can zero in on specifics, but it’s important to evaluate the big picture.

Parenting the Whole-Brain Child

In other words, we need to look at and interpret from the perspective of the whole-brain child. Sounds like a lot, right? Well, don’t be so hard on yourself…

If you really get the concept of The Whole-Brain Child at its essence, you’ll see that it can liberate you from your fears that you’re not doing a good enough job with your kids. It’s not your responsibility to avoid all mistakes, any more than you’re supposed to remove all obstacles your children face. Instead, your job is to be present with your children and connect with them through the ups and downs of life’s journey.

I have struggled with this idea of “doing a good enough job” for years. For me, it’s not just about parenting. It’s everything, from my day job to this blog, my role as a husband and a son. The reality is that we all need to be a bit easier on ourselves, and just focus on “being present.” Be there for your kids and connect with them — their “whole” them — as they navigate the confusion and obstacles of growing up.

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson is well worth a read. As it turns out, sometimes the “harder” (but more mindful) approach ends up being the easier one for parents and children alike.

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