I am, in no way, some sort of child psychology expert. I can, however, speak both from my own personal experience and from what I’ve seen. Kids “act up.” All. The. Time. As much as we like to see the smiling faces of perfect little angels on social media, we as parents know that isn’t reflective of our real reality most of the time. We have to “deal” with child misbehavior.

You might remember when I discussed this topic in the context of surviving the terrible twos. At that age, we more often seen “child misbehavior” in the form of a toddler tantrum. Now that my little one is a little less little, I’ve come to better understand the dynamics of “acting up.” Put simply, more often than not, “misbehavior” is the result of a breakdown or a failure in communication.

They Want to Be Seen and Heard

Especially as toddlers and preschoolers, young children are still developing their language skills. With their very limited vocabularies, they’re trying to relay what’s in their head. But, maybe they don’t have the words. Or maybe they themselves don’t really understand what’s going on in their head.

This is also at an age where they developing a stronger sense of self. Young kids will often fail to understand why they can’t have something when they want it. Why can’t I have more candy or watch another episode of PAW Patrol? They feel like they’re not being heard. Without knowing the words, they experience this breakdown in communication.

And this can lead to what we see as “child misbehavior.”

Children, much like adults, just want to be valued as individuals.

With my daughter, she can be especially loquacious, perhaps more so than the average kindergartner. As her language skills continue to improve, she tells me when she gets “frustrated.” This can oftentimes follow with a bottomless pit of “but why?”

To this end, even if the child cannot get what they want all the time (nor should they), we as parents must endeavor to understand and acknowledge their perspective. Something I’ve learned is that we should avoid telling our children to “stop crying.” By telling a child to “stop crying,” you’re implicitly diminishing their experience. Like their feelings don’t matter. But, they should.

Instead, acknowledge their experience. Ensure they know that they’re being heard. It’s okay to be sad. Or mad. It’s just the child misbehavior that may be unacceptable, and they can learn to understand that.

They Want to Understand You

Poppycock! Unbelievable! No way!

Despite what their outward behavior may lead you to believe, (most) children actually do want to understand you. Even if they don’t realize it themselves. How many times have you heard, “It’s not fair” (or some variation)? That, on some level, is a failure to communicate.

They see see you as a tyrant, unjustified in denying them of something they want. “You’ll understand when you’re older” really isn’t good enough anymore. “Because I’m your father” or “Because I said so” aren’t good enough either. While it won’t prevent all instances of “acting out,” when kids really get where you’re coming from, they’re more inclined to accept your direction (and decisions).

Child Misbehavior Isn’t for Misbehavior’s Sake

I know that I’m nowhere near perfect. I’ve lost my temper with her on many occasions, as many parents have with their children. Getting her to brush her own teeth was an excruciatingly frustrating experience for both of us. And it was largely because we weren’t communicating with one another effectively.

Parenting will always be a work in progress. And, the more we can focus on improving our communication, the less we’ll have to rely on being strict disciplinarians or total pushovers. Children don’t “act out” like deranged devils for the sake of “acting out.” There is always something behind it. So, let’s start a conversation.