People (thankfully) don’t comment on my appearance often, but when they do, it’s to say one of three things: I look tired, I look frazzled, or I look like I’ve aged. Truth be told, it’s likely all of the above. This parenting thing, especially while trying to run a full-time business at the same time, isn’t easy and I often feel like I’m coming up short. Many days, I can feel like I’m not cut out for this at all and I notice all the things I’m doing “wrong.” Do these things make me a bad dad?
I Use TV as a Digital Babysitter
The general recommendation is that babies under the age of two should not have any screen time whatsoever. After that, you’re supposed to restrict screen time severely and, even then, you should be engaging and interacting with the child as they watch cartoons. Ask them questions. Provide supplementary information. Never use the screen as a digital babysitter.
Except I do. I try not to do it often, but it can be really hard preparing dinner when you have a toddler scampering around your feet or causing all sorts of chaos in her wake. So, I turn on the TV and let her watch something, so I can cook “in peace.” Or sometimes, I just need a mental break and the TV will keep her occupied. I know it’s wrong, but I do it anyway.
I Indulge Her with McDonald’s
Most parents want to raise their children on healthy diets with balanced lifestyles. We try, but we also indulge her (and us) with fast food on a not-exactly-infrequent basis. It’s gotten to the point where my two-year-old not only knows what McDonald’s means, but she can also point out the restaurants, including locations that she has never visited before.
She also knows that it is at “Donald” that she can get “fries and ketchup” for “dip dip.” She also knows that she can get a toy with her “Happy Meal.” The marketing and branding are strong with this one.
I Yell at Her When She Doesn’t Cooperate
Why do I always have to be the bad cop? I don’t want to be the bad cop. I also don’t want to have a bad temper, because I know that can also make me a bad dad. But sometimes, I get so frustrated and I just can’t take it anymore.
She’s only two years old, for crying out loud (literally). She’s a toddler and that’s what toddlers do. They’re stubborn, they test their limits, and they can be wholly illogical. The “terrible twos” pave the way for the “threenager.”
I’ve had both of us break down in the middle of brushing her teeth. I yell, she cries, and we all feel bad about the situation.
A similar thing happened last night during dinner. She stopped eating and demanded to watch cartoons. I told her she had to finish her dinner first. She’d shovel some food in her mouth, but not actually chew or swallow it. This went on for almost two hours. Fed up, I cleaned her up, put her in her bed, and closed the door. Unsurprisingly, she cried.
And then I felt like an especially bad dad when, several minutes later, I heard her singing “Old MacDonald Had A Farm” to herself.
I Work Too Much / Not Enough
Just before I started writing this blog post this morning, my daughter wandered into my home office, BBC interview style, and we had the following exchange:
Her: Hi daddy.
Me: Hi Addie.
Her: Daddy, poe-poe! (She wants to sit on my lap.)
Me: (I put her on my lap.)
Her: I love you.
Me: Aww, I love you too, honey.
Her: I give you big hug.
Me: Okay. Big hug.
Her: You working?
Me: I’m trying to.
Her: I never see you.
Me: (Disintegrates into an emotional puddle of goo.)
If that doesn’t make me feel guilty for “working so much,” I don’t know what will. In my mind, I feel like I don’t have enough time and that I’m not working nearly enough. Most days, I’m attempting to shoehorn eight hours’ worth of work into just three hours. What ends up happening is that I’ll half-work on my phone while I’m with her (sin #1) and I’ll stare at a half-completed to-do list at the end of the day (sin #2). Something clearly needs to change, either in structure or mindset.
Am I a bad dad? How can I be better?
Nope not a bad dad at all. We have all been there. The fact that you question it and doubt yourself makes you a good dad. I am big believer of quality time spent together rather than quantity. Even if it is mcdonalds! She will remember the happy meal and the time she spent with you and that’s all that matters. Happy parenting!
Thanks Husna. Nothing in my life has ever been as frustrating or as rewarding as being a dad!
Such a strikingly similar experience to what I’m going through with my 8 year old twins. I understand your struggle.
It’s real.
Normal, normal, normal. Everything you wrote is boilerplate for every parent in the world. I could insert any of my 3 kids where you say Addie and it would fit perfectly. It still happens today at 5, 8 and 12 to varying degrees.
1. The TV with 2 year old’s is BS.
2. McDonalds analogy is exactly to the letter how it happens with my kids.
3. I yell too sometimes. It’s going to happen because we are human. Learn why you yelled and try to remember the next time. I deflect my emotions toward something they relate to that makes takes their mind off fighting what you want. Make them think about why it’s the good decision to do what you are asking them. Remember demanding to watch cartoons is because their attention span has moved on from the dinner you think they should be enjoying.
4. Don’t force her to eat her meal, That sets a bad precedence in a child’s mind that they have to eat everything that is put in front of them. My wife and I make smaller portions than what we think they can eat so they eat it and ask for more if they are still hungry. Our kids have to try at least one bite of what we serve them. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to eat it. While if they refuse to eat we set a number of bites and don’t harp on them to eat. One of us will sit at the table with them until they do and believe me it works wonders when they realize they aren’t getting up until they finish the bites they have been asked to eat.
5. Work is work, so at some point after the hug and the guilt you have to say “Honey, Daddy has to do some work so we can sit and hug later and go to the park. Addie, why don’y you set up a tea party with your friends and when Daddy is done I’ll join you and your friends for some tea.”
You are a normal Dad and pretty good one I’m sure.
mine is currently eating fried chicken and watching spongebob as I try and get some work done. We all do it, and I think thats OK
I keep telling myself that it’s going to get easier and, one day, I’ll be able to work while watching her at the same time. That one day has not really come yet.
It never gets easier, there are always different challenges.