Now That's Entertainment, Written by Michael Kwan, Originally Hosted by Geocities

You could say that my writing career started with Now That’s Entertainment, but that link will stop working in a few short months. I received an email from Yahoo! yesterday informing me that they will be closing their Geocities service as of October 26, 2009. How’s that for a horrible birthday present? It is the end of an era.

Before the arrival of free services like WordPress and Blogger, it was through Geocities that the average person could claim their small stake on the Internet without having to drop a penny. It came with some rather crude online software, so I ended learning raw HTML through trial and error. I think I did quite well, considering that I only received about a half-hour of (free) formal instruction while studying at UBC. I implemented a photo gallery, guestbook, and other features. Believe me when I say that WordPress is so much easier.

To give proper respect to Geocities and Now That’s Entertainment, I thought it would be appropriate to take a look back at my first ever blog post… if you could call it a blog post. It was published distributed some time in 1999 and came without a formal title. Let the teenage angst be relived.

[[ WARNING: The following piece contains material that may offend some readers. Do I care? No, not really…. but either way, Reader discretion is advised. ]]

As some of may already know, I am Michael Kwan, better known to all my e-fed associates as “Flawless.” Well, during my three year career as an e-wrestler, I’ve gotten a little better over the ages, and many have come up to me to say that I am a truly great roleplayer. I’ve even had e-fed presidents come up to me, and ask me to join their federations. They actually seeked me out, and pestered me to join! Well, after three years of doing this, I decided to send one of my interviews to a friend of mine by the name of Joseph Planta. As some of you know, he writes daily commentaries on current events, politics, the entertainment biz, the whole nine yards. He told me that I sort of had a flair for this sort of thing, writing stuff, so I came across the idea to pursue something like his commentary deal, and well here I am.

Now, at first I thought about writing short stories, and sending them out. I tried, and came across writer’s block. I tried again, and there was that dreaded writer’s block again. So, I thought maybe I should do a commentary like Joseph, but then I realized that I shouldn’t be moving in on his territory; the direct competition would be unbearable. So, maybe I should write humourous commentaries like Rafe Mair. Again, there was that writer’s block again! The ideas continued to NOT flow, so maybe I should poke fun at headlines like Andy Rooney. Nope, there was that writer’s block again, and again, and again.

I thought that comedy would be a good thing to get into. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?! I have no idea how to write anything funny. I can’t just start writing about Labour Day or fortune cookies, and find something hysterical in that, that would get my readers rolling on the floor laughing their asses off. But during the trials and tribulations of all this brain drain, I began to think, “What if I actually had something funny in my own life to talk about?”

What if I had some story to talk about? What if some day during my messed up little life as a teenager, I came across some teacher that didn’t know any of the course material at all and just got Carol Huang to teach the course. (only you Tupperites will understand that one.) I was thinking, well, maybe I should say something about the Chinese Migrants coming on those 5,6 billion ships of people, the fobs they are. And that one boat that was named a “ghost ship.” How the people who were on those boats supposedly caught a plane to Ontario, and pretty much disappeared from sight. God freaking damn it, just send these people to the U S of A, and let Slick Willy deal with it. I’m sure he’ll find good use for all of the women on those boats. And the men with all of the US military secrets…..

Or maybe I should write some about McCaw and Orca Bay, and how its in turmoil and no one outside of the Lower Mainland cares. Maybe I should say something about the Canucks and their training camp, and how regardless of who they bring in, they are still going to suck ass this year, and fail to make the playoffs yet once again. And if I were to talk about bad sports teams, who can forget the Hometown Grizzlies…how Steve Francis knew it’d suck to be here. Don’t get me wrong, I think Vancouver will well and make the playoffs or something……some day…..years and years from now.

I even thought about writing about my summer, and the job hunt. The always elusive summer job. With my extensive (sarcasm intended) resume, how could someone not want to hire me! With my experience at the family restaurant…and well…umm… experience at the family restaurant… I would think that employers would jump at the chance to hire a highly skilled, well trained individual like me. Oh boy was I wrong! What did I end up with? Part-Time, volunteering at the hospital with a bunch of smelly old people. I was part of this program to make them walk and stand and shit, and well, it seemed like damned near all of them, as soon as they walked too long, it sure smelled like they crapped their pants! Growl, I’d rather not talk about that anymore…but I did get a reference letter out of it.

So, here I am today, unemployed, and back to school. Back in school. Teachers, as usual, bore me to half to death. They just drone on and on, with this and that, and I just really want to doze off. School sucks, but I’m sure the working world sucks just as bad, if not worse. So, what am I to do? I think I will pursue the same endeavor as my brother. Go on to the University of BC, get a Bachelor’s Degree…and……home. That’s right! A bum with a degree! Won’t it be fun collecting welfare every month!

Well, I tried writing a short story, and that didn’t really work. I tried a commentary and that didn’t work. I tried poking fun at headlines and current events…no luck. Then I tried a sorry attempt at writing some humorous commentary of some sort, and that didn’t…no wait… I think I actually did it! This will be my debut piece! I’VE DONE IT!


© 1999 Michael Kwan. Reproduction, exhibition or distribution of the preceeding piece without the expressed written consent of the author(s) can result in severe criminal and civil penalties under international agreements.

So, there you have it. That was what you could consider to be my first ever blog post, though it was never really published on a “blog.” I’m hoping that my writing ability has improved and matured since those days as a teenager. We all have to start somewhere, right?

When and where did you get your start with writing online? Looking back, are you embarrassed? Nostalgic? Proud?