The day is upon us. The legendary Super Smash Bros. Brawl tournament is now down to just two competitors, both of which are brand new to the Smash Bros. universe. To recap, in the first round of the tournament, we saw Donkey Kong bitch slap Zero Suit Samus, Wario pass some gas on Link, Fox McCloud outblast Metaknight, and Solid Snake methodically eliminate Mario.
In round two, Wario once again used his flatulent ways to emerge from the battle of the heavyweights, ousting the formidable Donkey Kong. Metal Gear Solid’s Solid Snake, on the other hand, used his field experience to his advantage, outwitting, outmanuevering, and ultimately out-beating (is that even a word?) the Arwing-touting Star Fox McCloud.
Today, we will witness the grand finale. The two combatants took very different paths, utilizing very different strategies, but only one will emerge from this fight for the ages. It is the lying and cheating of a fat tub of lard — Wario — against the conniving and strategy of a military expert — Solid Snake. May the best man win.
Wario vs. Solid Snake
Solid Snake, being the methodical combatant that he is, studied tapes of Wario’s earlier battles. He watched his every move, analyzing the steps that the anti-Mario took. Solid Snake worked long and hard to find a weakness. Wario, on the other hand, spent the week hanging out in a Wario Ware universe, playing a variety of mini-games and munching on some doritos. His sweet tooth got the best of him: Wario actually stole candy from a baby. When the time came, Solid Snake was prepared. Wario thought he could just throw his weight around and once again emerge the victor. Unfortunately for fatty, Solid Snake had a full gas-mask in tow, rendering Wario’s greatest weapon — his explosive flatulence — absolutely useless. Snake disposes of Wario in the most secretive, stealthy, and sneaky of ways: with a speedy knife stab in the back.
Winner: Solid Snake
Eight entered. Only one remains. A hearty congratulations goes out to Solid Snake for surviving this grueling Super Smash Bros. Brawl tournament.