Parenthood is filled with “learning opportunities.” It’s really hard when these little people look up to you for guidance and wisdom when, let’s be honest, we don’t really know what we’re doing. Most of us are just figuring it out as we go along. And while I hope I’m still many years away from having a real frank conversation about consent with my daughter, I have been working to build a foundation. I want to set the right kind of precedent and establish the right expectations.

Opening My Eyes and Paying Attention

Admittedly, as a hetero, cisgender male, I’ve never really given these types of issues much thought. You can certainly chalk that up to male privilege, absolutely. As a father to a daughter, as a dad who wants to do the right thing, I have been confronting gender issues more actively. And I have been paying more attention to circumstances and situations from a female point of view, at least as best I can.

When my daughter was younger, I thought a lot about so-called “gender appropriate toys,” for example. Why are girls “supposed to” play with dolls, whereas boys are “supposed to” play with dump trucks? I’ve thought a lot about what it means to be a parent. Like how I was the only dad at story time. Or how society perpetuates the myth of Supermom to the detriment of all parents.

But, I digress. What does this have to do with consent?

You Have a Voice

I don’t need to dive into the details of the #MeToo movement, nor do I think it’s really my place to do so. What I will say is that the stories really shone a light on what was there all along. As a father to a daughter, I can’t help but to feel extra protective of my little girl. I don’t want her to go through those kinds of experiences. And, if she does find herself in those kinds of situations, I want her to feel empowered to speak up.

She needs to know that she always has a voice, that she can always say no.

This can make parenting frustrating for me at times, most assuredly. We want our kids to do as they’re told (by us). But, we don’t want them to feel like they “have to” do something when they’re not comfortable with it. I don’t need to remind you of the pressures that young women face today… pressures that they’ve faced for years, but perhaps pressures that have been especially amplified in the age of social media.

So, I want to establish the foundation and set the stage where consent is the default expectation. How do we do that?

The Expectation for Consent

Even before my daughter was born, I’ve struggled with this idea of profiting from your children. Part of it has to do with privacy and safety, but the other layer to it is when we do it as bloggers and influencers. So, there’s that. When it comes to consent, it’s about asking for permission at an age-appropriate level.

Instead of:

Go stand over there so I can take your picture.

Ask:

Can I take your picture?

And if you plan on posting it on social media, it’s only fair to ask if it’s okay for you to share that picture. If this other person were an adult, you’d probably show them the picture before you post it. Treat your kids the same way.

Asking for consent applies well beyond just taking pictures and posting them online. Consider how you might establish the expectation for consent in other situations too.

Instead of:

Your Aunt Cathy is leaving. Go give her a hug goodbye!

Ask:

Your Aunt Cathy is leaving. Did you want to give her a hug goodbye?

This not-so-subtle difference can make a world of difference in how your children view their relationship with the people around them. If we’re being perfectly honest, I’m deathly afraid of the tween and teenage years ahead. I know what goes on inside the head of a teenage boy.

But, the hope is that by establishing this foundation of empowerment, helping her understand she always has the right of consent, she’ll be able to navigate these situations and protect herself accordingly.