Parents: Are You Punishing Effort (and Making Things Harder for Yourself)?

All parents want to raise good kids. I think that much is obvious. We just don’t know how to do it. Not really. And the hard truth is that we might be undermining our own efforts. It’s unintentional, of course, but we could be making things harder for ourselves in doing so. Are you struggling to get your kids ready in the morning? Or maybe it feels like they’re taking forever to finish their supper? Perhaps it has to do with homework. In all these cases, you could be punishing effort and you might not even know it.

What do I mean by this? Allow me to explain a bit further.

Meeting Effort with Discouragement

Let me set the scene and you tell me if it feels familiar. You ask your child to clean up their room. It’s an absolute mess. Clothes are strewn all across the floor and draped on the bed’s headboard. Toys are piled on top of everything else. Stuffies are literally spilling out of the closet. The child grumbles but begrudgingly starts putting stuff away. They’re doing it all halfheartedly, of course, getting distracted with newly rediscovered toys along the way.

Hours pass. Eventually it does get done. They’ve stuffed some of the clothes into drawers without folding them first. The LEGO pieces haven’t been properly sorted back into the organizer. But, this is a vast improvement and you can actually see the floor again. How do you respond?

“Geez. It’s about time you finally finished. Don’t let your room get so messy again, okay?”

The child completed the desired action. They did what you asked them to do, even if it’s not quite up to your standards. They could have done it better, absolutely… but, they did do it. Cleaning their room is a behavior you want to encourage, and yet it’s met with discouragement. When you say, “It’s about time,” it comes off sounding like punishment. It’s a negative experience. In effect, you’re punishing effort, even if you don’t really mean to.

Everything I Do Is Wrong, So Why Bother?

In psychology, there’s this concept called “learned helplessness.” The classic experiment involves putting a rat on an electrified floor. Understandably, if a rat gets shocked, they’ll try to escape getting shocked. In one experimental condition, there’s a “safe” platform for them to do that. So, they get shocked and then they scamper to the platform to avoid getting shocked. That makes sense. But, what happens if there is no safe platform?

The first few times the experimenter turns on the electrified floor, the rat scampers around, trying to get away from being shocked. But, after a while, they learn there is no escape. They give up. So, they curl up and take the shock, over and over, without trying to get away from it. Even after experimenters introduce a safe platform, these rats don’t seek the new escape. Because, to them, the aversive stimuli (getting shocked) is unavoidable and outside their control.

Telling your child that “it’s about time” they finished cleaning their room? Say it once and they might forget about it. When punishing effort becomes more of a pattern in your parenting style, though, a child can very easily develop a similar kind of learned helplessness as the lab rat who keeps getting shocked.

The child, whether they’re consciously aware of it or not, can feel like they can’t avoid your punishment. No matter what they do — clean their room or not clean their room — you’re going to come down on them with a negative experience. The same holds true for all sorts of other scenarios.

Are they taking a long time to finish their dinner? Do they put in a sloppy effort with homework? Did they remember to put their books away, but forgot to organize them properly? When they ask you take a look at something they wrote, do you start by pointing out all the misspelled words and incorrect grammar or punctuation?

Rewarding Successive Approximation

Going back to psychology, here’s another concept for you. Successive approximation. You might know about “shaping” behavior in the context of dog training. Human psychology ends up working in much the same way. The idea is you reward behavior that’s getting closer and closer to the ideal, desired action.

Say you want to teach your dog how to “shake hands.” If they sit patiently in front of you, that might be the first step. Here’s a treat. If they lift one of their front feet while in a seated position, that’s awesome. Here’s another treat. Eventually, the dog may raise one paw and hold it out in front of you, waiting for you to grab it and “shake hands.” You reward and reinforce each action as it gets closer to the desired, “target” response.

Now, I don’t want to equate your dog Fido with your son Fred. However, a similar mechanism is absolutely at play. If you praise Fred for cleaning his room (even if imperfectly), you reinforce that behavior. Maybe, next time he’ll do it more quickly. Or, he’ll do a better job at it. But, if you punish him (“took you long enough!”), there’s no motivation to do the action again, let alone do it better.

Spouses and Partners: Does This Sound Familiar?

I’ve been framing this discussion of “punishing effort” in the context of parenting our children. It shouldn’t surprise you that the same kind of dynamics are at play with all our personal relationships. For all the married folks out there, this stereotypical example might hit a little too close to home.

You’re loading the dishwasher all wrong!

Or you’re folding the laundry wrong. Or maybe you didn’t buy exactly the right item at the supermarket, when “you should have known.” Sure, your spouse or partner might not complete certain household chores exactly like how you would’ve done them. Just as with the kid, though, if the first and loudest response is a negative one, you’re effectively discouraging your partner from loading the dishwasher or folding the laundry at all.

And just because it’s how you do it doesn’t mean that it’s the only way (or the best way) to do it. Here is learned helplessness rearing its ugly head again. If I’m yelled at or belittled every time I load the dishwasher, I probably don’t want to load the dishwasher next time. And then you complain that I never load the dishwasher. No one wins in this scenario.

Quit Punishing Effort Already

Put yourself in your kid’s shoes. Whether it has to do with chores or homework, if Mom or Dad (or any other “adult in charge” parental or parental-adjacent person) constantly berates you for being too slow, if they keep pointing out all the ways you’re doing it wrong, will you feel especially motivated or encouraged to keep trying? Positive reinforcement works for a reason. If you keep punishing effort, you’re cutting off positive progress before it has a chance to get going.

The kid that took forever to finish their supper? Hey, at least they finished it. The child who sorta cleaned up their room? It’s a step in the right direction. I know that we, as parents, can easily lose our patience. Believe me, I know. We’re flawed humans too. Parenthood is messy and imprecise. But, we have to try to do better. I just wish someone was around to reward us for our effort.