Sex, drugs and rock & roll. Discussions about peer pressure are often in the context of teenagers. We talk about “bad influences” and setting down the “wrong path” in life. Don’t you want to be a part of the “cool” kids? Parental peer pressure — that is, peer pressure from fellow parents — may not be quite as explicit and overt as peer pressure among teenagers. But, it is no less influential. And it can weigh just as heavily on our minds.
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Keeping Up With All the Joneses
Not all peer pressure is bad, necessarily. If it encourages you to be a better, kinder person, maybe it’s a good thing. And as such, you may be tempted to see parental peer pressure as a positive influence too. We all want what is “best” for our children. As parents, we want them to be happy, healthy and successful.
So, you sign up little Timmy for karate or taekwondo. It’ll teach him discipline and encourage physical fitness. You take little Lizzy to ballet practice, because she’ll learn grace and control. Gabby would love science camp, Mason might enjoy learning sculpture, Isabel should sign up for Girl Guides… the list goes on and on and on.
What starts out as idle chit-chat during school pickup and dropoff quickly escalates, even if there’s no nefarious intent. Soon enough, you start comparing your children with the other parents. What we’re doing for and with our children. You start talking with the other soccer moms and dads on the sidelines. In exchanging pleasantries, you start doubting whether you’re doing enough for your kids.
But now, it’s not just the in-person interactions. We’re not just comparing ourselves (and our kids) with our immediate peer group. It’s everyone across social media. Our points of reference are far wider. It’s not just the Joneses across the street; it’s every Jones, Lee, and Smith family everywhere.
Privilege, Affluence and Opportunity
It all starts so early too. Parental peer pressure means that we worry so much about getting our kids into the “best” preschool or the “best” kindergarten. This continues to grow as they continue to grow. We think about academic performance, extracurricular activities, clubs, camps, lessons and all the rest of it. Are you robbing your child of opportunity? Is your child being left behind?
A lot of people mention how a college application is about more than just grades; they’re looking for a “well-rounded individual.” But, we have to take a step back here. Who is more likely to be star of the debate team, taking concert piano, playing in a lacrosse league, and volunteering at the local animal shelter? Privileged, affluent parents are much more likely and capable of affording their child these kinds of opportunities.
It’s not that the child in a blue-collar, working class family is any less of a “well-rounded” individual. The parental peer pressure is definitely still there, but these opportunities are not as within reach. You can’t keep up in the Joneses shuttling their kids in a Tesla to hockey practice if you’re working two jobs to keep the lights on. Hidden privilege may not be that hidden when you start to look hard enough.
What happens with that “well-rounded” college applicant? Going to a good school nets them a better chance at a good job, continuing the cycle of generational wealth. As much as we would like to think that everyone is afforded the same opportunities, they’re just not.
Did My Parents Experience Parental Peer Pressure?
Multiple factors are at play here and we can’t simply untangle them. It was a different time, when I was a kid. Without the internet and social media, my parents would’ve only looked to their immediate peer group. I didn’t go to soccer camp or take cello lessons, because none of my parents’ friends’ kids were either. Also, we grew up in a largely immigrant neighborhood.
Whereas practically no parents drove their kids to school at all when I was growing up, I spot several Teslas and Audis among the pickup and dropoff line at my daughter’s elementary school. The other parents talk about taking their kids skiing on the weekends. By comparison, I’ve never been skiing myself. Aside from a couple years on the basketball team in elementary school and the curling team in high school, I wasn’t in any extracurricular activities either.
We’re lucky in that we’ve moved to a more affluent neighborhood, but that also means our point of reference is different. We want what’s best for our children, absolutely, but we also don’t want to buckle under parental peer pressure purely for the sake of keeping up appearances either. Sometimes, a family stroll around the block is more than just okay.
What Is Good Enough?
As I mentioned last month, as challenging as the pandemic has been, it had at least one silver lining. We had to deal with less FOMO, simply because there wasn’t as much to do. Before everything shut down, we had talked about enrolling our daughter in music lessons or a dance class of some sort. Part of it was parental peer pressure, most likely, but also because we internalized the narrative of “it would be good for her.”
No one wants their kid to “fall behind” or to be deprived of “opportunities.” This has, inadvertently or not, cultivated a culture of competition. Maybe it’s time we try to get past that.
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