Do you ever wonder if you’re looking a little sus? I know I do. Truth be told, I’ve always had a paradoxical, even contradictory sense of self-worth. Maybe it’s because of where I grew up. As a kid — and I don’t say this to brag or gloat or anything like that — I was always near the top of my class. Teachers would tell me I was “gifted” or “bright.” But then, after graduating from university, I developed a growing sense of impostor syndrome. Or maybe it’s survivor’s guilt. Or maybe both.

Blogger, Writer, Professional

When I first started Beyond the Rhetoric in 2006, I didn’t have any sort of end game in mind. I just wanted a place on the internet where I could share my thoughts. A place I could call my own. True, I had some dreams of turning this blog into a viable source of full-time income. But, I was also realistic.

Literally at the same time, I set out to make freelance writing a “real career,” working to prove everyone wrong. My parents said it was something I could do until I “found a real job.” They didn’t think it was possible to earn a living, sitting in front of the computer, sometimes in my pajamas. While I’m hardly rich, I’ve been able to eke out a comfortable, middle class existence ever since, writing and publishing words on the internet.

Many of my blogger friends from 2006, by contrast, aren’t blogging anymore. We’ve lost touch and presumably they’ve moved on to doing other things. To put it bluntly, even though it can feel like the world is constantly spinning all around me, I’ve “survived.” And they’ve spun out of my (online) field of vision. Similarly, many of my “online entrepreneur” type friends have moved on to more traditional day jobs.

And yet, here I remain, typing words on the internet for a living some 15 years later. I don’t anticipate that’ll change any time soon.

Actually Good or Just Lucky?

We all know that last year was hard for a lot of people. Harder for some more than others. Meanwhile, reflecting back on 2020, it was one of my best years, at least professionally. I grew into a new role at work, taking on more responsibility and expanding my skill set. It was a good year financially too, and with that came a lot of survivor’s guilt. Why was I so lucky not only to keep my job, but to actually grow in it? When so many others lost their jobs and endured all sorts of financial hardship?

Not only that, but — again, I don’t say this to brag — I’ve been complimented repeatedly about the “great work” I’ve been doing. Meanwhile, I’m not so convinced that my work has really been that “great.” Is impostor syndrome rearing its ugly head? Are my competence and confidence misaligned?

When my manager tells me I do “great work” but I don’t necessarily see that reflected in the numbers, I question myself and what I’m capable of doing. The same is true with the content I publish here on Beyond the Rhetoric and across social media.

David Chang on Survivor’s Guilt

Years ago, I wrote about how Momofuku’s David Chang was fed “a big dose of humble pie.” He learned that there is “always someone out there better than you, more talented.” That’s true, but we also have to be careful not to devalue ourselves, our talents and our accomplishments too much either.

In Eat a Peach, David Chang writes:

I call my friends and ask this all the time. They’ve heard me complain over and over that I have a problem accepting reality, because there’s no way I deserve the kind of good fortune I’ve had. I used to call it impostor syndrome, but now I understand it better as survivor’s guilt. All these people around me have died — literally and figuratively — and I’m still here. It truly feels like surviving a plane crash.

Now, I clearly have not achieved anywhere near the level of success that Chang has enjoyed. That much is obvious. But, it’s also clear that trying to “make it” as a writer or editor in the global online community isn’t easy either. It has oftentimes felt like a race to the bottom. Who can write something halfway comprehensible for the least amount of money in the least amount of time?

I’ve been lucky. No doubt about it. But, I’ve also worked very hard to get to where I am today. While I’m still not convinced I’m all that great, I guess I’ve been good enough. Maybe that’s enough. Maybe I’m not so sus after all.