This will all make sense when I am older
Someday I will see that this makes sense
One day, when I’m old and wise
I’ll think back and realize
That these were all completely normal events

You know, Olaf is one of the most naive characters in Frozen II. But, he’s also wise beyond his years in many ways too. It’s funny, because he has that same kind of childlike naivety that many of us had as kids. When we were younger, we thought adults had it all figured out. That they knew what they were doing. That they had a handle on things. It’s only when you’re older that you realize that everyone else is just figuring it out as they go along too. Sorry, Olaf. All of this still doesn’t make sense.

Even so, I feel like I understand my late father better now that I’m a little older, now that I’ve been a dad myself for a few years. Seeing things from the other side of the parent-child relationship, I can better appreciate how he must have felt at the time. You know how so many parents say that you’ll understand when you’re older? Maybe there’s something to that.

A Pillar of Stability

Not too long ago, I wrote about the concept of Asian stoicism. Basically, you’ve got to keep your calm and never lose your cool. This also means, in many ways, that you rarely show much emotion. If you’re angry or upset, you don’t show it. If you want to maintain the respect of your peers, then you don’t “lose face.”

To the best of my recollection, I don’t think I ever saw my dad genuinely happy or excited about anything. And I’ve only seen him sad maybe twice in life. He got mad, but he never made a big scene about it. Instead, he’d usually walk off in a huff, removing himself from the situation. In hindsight, this was probably a matter of pride. Of being the “big man.” Whether or not he was actually aware of it at the time, I get the sense that he was trying to provide a sense of stability.

Big outward expressions of emotion are inherently volatile and potentially unpredictable. Sometimes, it’s better to walk away and let cooler heads prevail. Even myself, I find that I’m less aggressive and more courteous as a driver now that I’m older. I’m more inclined to let people merge or turn, because it really makes such a small difference to my commute time.

What It Means to Be a Man

There are some really big cultural and generational differences here. My dad’s understanding of what it meant to “be a man” is very different from my perspective. At the same time, I recognize some “big man” tendencies in me too. Partly out of a desire to look good, to not lose face, I know I can be stubborn sometimes. I have a hard time admitting I’m wrong, digging in my heels to prove that I’m right.

And related to the notion of Asian stoicism is this desire to put on a brave face for the children. Never let them see you struggle, even if it feels like you’re trying to breathe underwater. Like nothing you do is ever enough. Both my parents worked very long hours for years, but I never saw them complain about it. But when you’re older, and you work long hours and tackle adult responsibilities, you recognize just how hard all of this is. Still, to be a man, to be an adult, you just have to do what needs to be done.

Growing up, I was raised in a household where childcare and housework were a woman’s job. Woman’s work. My dad would cook and he’d wash his car, but he’d never vacuum, do the laundry, mop the floors, anything like that. In talking to my mom, she said she doesn’t think my dad ever changed a single diaper. That’s both me and my brother. I don’t blame my dad for his perspective on gender roles when it comes to childcare. Rather, I understand it, even if I don’t agree with it today.

Because I grew up in this kind of household, and because all the families around me were much the same, I internalized many of these same gender norms and stereotypes. In the mind of many men of that generation (and even many men today), the man’s job is to make money and to provide for the family. Want something? Here, I’ll buy it for you. That makes me a good dad.

Now, I know different. I live differently. Indeed, I’m actively fighting against the emasculation of paternal competence. Changing a diaper or doing the laundry doesn’t make me any less of a man. It makes me more of a partner in a relationship where all contributions are valued. But I understand why men of a certain generation were the way that they were.

The Lonely Island of Fatherhood

Growing up means adapting
Puzzling at your world and your place
When I’m more mature
I’ll feel totally secure
Being watched by something with a creepy, creepy face

Perhaps one of the most heartbreaking aspects that I’ve come to understand better is the sense of social isolation. Of loneliness. When you’re older, particularly if you’re a man, it becomes harder to build and maintain relationships with other men. Studies have shown that, on average, men have a harder time “reaching out” and making friends than women. And women, on average, are better at planning get-togethers.

My mom, to this day (though not lately due to the pandemic), gets together with her high school friends regularly. They’ll go out for dinner somewhere and chat for hours. And up until all this pandemic business, she’d play mahjong with her friends at least once a week. It’s all planned, organized, predictable.

By contrast, my dad never planned anything like that. Instead, he’d only run into friends by somewhat expected coincidence. He’d spend time at the horse track or at the casino, and he’d happen to bump into a friend or two. But it was never planned and it was not at all regular. Now that I’m older, particularly because I work from home, I can feel some of that same sense of isolation. That’s a big reason why I valued Dot Com Pho so much.

And why I look forward to our #5DadsGoWild camping trip, even if I’m hardly an outdoorsy kind of person.

Because When You’re Older…

Absolutely everything makes sense

Sorry, Olaf. I’m afraid you’re mistaken. But, of course, all the adults in the audience already knew that. The children? Maybe not so much. Do we want to burst their bubbles, laying bare all our insecurities, all our anxiety, all our ignorance and lack of understanding. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll understand when I’m older. Samantha?