When I first conceived (pun not intended) of this blog post, I was thinking in terms of the birds and bees. You know, giving “the sex talk” with your kids, when you should start, and how you might best approach it. But, as you know, a lot has happened in 2020 and children have a lot of questions. And understandably so. The more I think about giving the talk, the more I’m learning that it’s really about how you choose to communicate with your kids in general.
Particularly about difficult or uncomfortable topics.
“When Two People Really Love Each Other…”
To the best of my recollection, my parents never gave me “the talk.” They just assumed that the public school system would take care of everything. We learned a bit about anatomy in grade 2, but we never got anything resembling “sexual education” until grade 7. The world has changed a lot since I was a kid, and children today know (and know to ask) a lot more than we did when we were their age.
So, it didn’t come as a total surprise when Addie’s kindergarten teacher told us that they’d be talking about physical differences and human anatomy. She told us that the kids may come home with questions, so we should prepare ourselves for that. Thankfully, we’ve always used the “correct” terms for body parts with her. So, it wasn’t anything she didn’t already know. I anticipate that the school will offer some form of “sexual education” before grade 7. They might even do some grade-appropriate stuff every year.
Where does that leave us as parents? In asking some other moms and dads I know with older kids, they offered this advice:
- Answer the question. If your child asks you a direct question, give them a direct answer. You don’t need to venture into too much detail or wander off into related tangents. You don’t have to open a can of worms (unless you want to).
- Ask them what they think. Another way you can go about these sorts of questions is to turn it back around on them. This way, you challenge them to explain what they already know. Then, you can build upon that foundation and correct any misconceptions they may have.
- Always be open. If you always shut them down or say that they’ll understand when they’re older, they may not come back to you for guidance and support later on. They need to know that they’ll always be safe asking you anything. If you’re not willing to talk to them when they’re 5, they won’t come to you when they’re 15.
- Access materials and experts. Clearly, you have some understanding of where babies come from and how all of that works. But, the experts are probably better at explaining this sort of thing. Look for age-appropriate books and other materials that you and your child can read together.
“Why Is School Closed?” and Other Corona Talks
It’s obvious enough at this point that different children are handling the coronovirus pandemic in different ways. Adults too. And while younger children probably won’t understand all the science and politics of the situation, they can understand a lot more than you might think. Addie knows that there’s a virus, it makes people sick, and people who are sick can make other people sick. She understands that it’s because of this virus that schools and playgrounds were closed.
Just as with adults, we can also have conversations with our children about what we want to keep after the pandemic. They can also talk about what’s most important to them, what they value, what they miss. That it’s okay to have feelings, it’s okay to be sad or mad. And if it means a bit more screen time and snacks, then maybe that’s okay too. It’s an opportunity to see that even when things don’t go your way, you still have to make the best of the situation.
Giving the Talk on Racism
Which leads us to another uncomfortable, but necessary conversation. At this point in Addie’s life, she wants to be friends with everyone. She knows that it “doesn’t matter” if someone looks different or has different color skin, because she just wants to play with them. That’s a positive outlook, but as she gets older, she’ll come to understand that not everyone feels the same way she does. It’s a sad reality, but it is a reality.
Growing up as a Chinese Canadian kid, my childhood was a bit of a weird blend of the two cultures. Even though I was born and raised right here in Vancouver, I didn’t partake in a lot of typical Canadian traditions. To this day, I still can’t skate. Five Dads Go Wild was my first ever proper camping trip. Coupled with microaggressions and racial slurs, I can sometimes feel like the “perpetual foreigner.”
At the same time, I’m coming to recognize more of my hidden privilege too. The big wave of Asian immigration during the ’60s, ’70s, and ’80s followed many of the Civil Rights movements in the United States. What this meant is that many Asian Americans (and Asian Canadians) are able to “enjoy” many of the freedoms and privileges without having had to go through the struggle and strife that Black people did.
That’s how the “model minority” myth gets perpetuated. That’s why so many Asian Americans and Asian Canadians stay quiet.
She may not really understand what’s going on, but Addie has seen the news coverage of the protests. She sees that these issues matter to me. At the same time, she’s never had to experience any racial injustice. We live in a relatively diverse neighborhood that, at least on the surface, appears supportive and community driven. Of course, there can always be something under the surface, as we’ve all seen.
All that being said, Addie does understand that different people have different traditions and experiences. They may speak different languages or come from different parts of the world. These are points of interest to her, not points of contention. I’ll take that as a positive thing, one that we can build on as she gets older. She’s eager to travel the world and try global cuisines, just like her parents.
Giving the Talk Isn’t a One-Time Thing
The standard trope for giving the talk, as we’ve seen on many a TV sitcom, involves an uncomfortable parent asking their child to sit down because they’ve got something important to say. Maybe you’re “the cool dad” and you turn your chair around so you can sit on it backwards. Perhaps you start with an awkward analogy. Whatever the case, we conceive of “the talk” as a one-and-done kind of deal.
But, it’s not.
Whether it’s the birds and the bees or a difficult discussion on systemic racism and how we may be complicit in it, “the talk” isn’t just one lecture. It’s an ongoing conversation. It’s not about giving “the talk” as much as it is about keeping the channels of communications open. And answering the question. And when we don’t know the answer, it’s okay to say so. We can then learn alongside our children too.
After all, we’ve all got some growing up to do.
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