We all have our problems and our challenges. I get that. I also get that some problems are simply more challenging that others, I get that too. Either way, we just have to play the hand that life deals us. Sometimes, we choose to vent to our friends or post about it on social media. Then, the advice starts coming in. Now, don’t get me wrong. Usually (but not always), when people say these things, they mean well. The “helpful advice” is coming from a good place.

It’s just that, well, it’s not very helpful. Like, at all. Allow me to illustrate with a few prime examples.

“Just Don’t Think About It”

If someone literally breaks a leg, no one is going to tell them not to think about. Or if you catch the common cold, it’s absurd to believe that not thinking about your runny nose is going to prevent it from running. Why is it, then, that “just don’t think about it” is such a common piece of “helpful advice” for people who are dealing with stress or anxiety or other mental health concerns?

I think (obsess?) about a lot of things. I can’t not think about things. That’s part of the reason why Rodin’s Thinker is the logo for Beyond the Rhetoric. Try as we might to be like Pooh, it’s not quite so simple. We can’t just be. I know I can’t. The very act of being told not to think about it immediately brings to mind — you guessed it — thoughts about it. Whatever “it” may be.

Don’t think about a purple elephant. Telling someone not to think about the cause or source of concern does nothing but bring that topic front of mind, only elevating feelings of stress and anxiety.

“It Could Be Worse”

I wrote a whole blog post on just this one line, as you might remember. So, I’m not going to dive too deep here. Go read it if you haven’t already.

Basically, you’re not telling me anything I don’t already know. Of course, it could be worse. The very fact that I’m sitting in front of a computer, typing words that’ll be read by other people on the Internet, already puts me way ahead of the curve. I have a lot to be grateful for. I know that. Telling me that it could be worse doesn’t make me feel better. If anything, it makes me feel worse.

“You Should Just Relax”

Don’t you think I want to relax? I’ve half-jokingly said before that I think I’ve forgotten how to do nothing. There are a million things I have to do and never enough time to do them all. This isn’t just about work or parenting responsibility either. Even in my so-called leisure time, there’s so much I want to read and watch and do and play and eat. And the possibility of being late or falling behind can give me tremendous anxiety.

Telling someone to “just relax” is just as effective as telling someone, “Don’t worry about it.” Or, “Just don’t think about it.” I know that some habits and practices, like mindfulness meditation, are supposed to help alleviate anxiety and its symptoms. But simply telling me to relax isn’t going to get me there.

“Just Get Over It”

On one level, we may experience a great deal of stress and anxiety about the future. Will we have enough money to retire or to pay for the kids to go to college? On another level, we may also experience stress and anxiety about the past. This can take on the form of regret, obsessing over what we should have done differently. That’s what usually elicits “helpful advice” like being told to “get over it.”

Do you know what’s more helpful that telling someone to get over it? Helping them get through it. Grief and depression and other negative thoughts can be terrible burdens to bear. But, it’s a lot easier when you’ve got a sympathetic friend to help shoulder the load.

Sometimes, the Best Helpful Advice Is…

…no advice at all.

Something that I’ve learned over the years, both about myself and about people in general, is that people may vent or complain or talk about their challenges for one of two over-arching reasons. First, it might be that they really do want your insight and helpful advice. They describe their problem, hoping you can provide a solution.

Sometimes though, and we may not even realize it ourselves at the time, we don’t want to be told what to do at all. We don’t want helpful advice, necessarily. Instead, we just want to be seen. Truly seen. We want to be heard and understood and validated. Sometimes, all we want is an attentive, compassionate ear. And a shoulder to cry on.

So, if I can impart just one piece of advice — you can decide how helpful it is — it’s to work on your listening skills. When a friend or spouse or loved one comes to you, listen. Truly listen and acknowledge their experience, even if you disagree with their decisions. Sometimes, we just want to be seen.