It’s obvious enough that, when it comes to this parenting thing, I’m figuring it out as I go. Just like everybody else. And yes, it’s true that surviving the teenage years is likely different from dealing with the terrible twos. At the same time, I suspect that many of the same fundamental principles still apply. Like how children are very good at sniffing out empty threats.
So, don’t do it. Or at least try not to do it.
On Your Best Behavior
Parents tell little white lies to their kids all the time. Many times, these half-truths are meant to encourage “good” behavior and discourage “bad” behavior. That’s why we have the Elf on the Shelf, for example. This doll’s got his lifeless eyes on you, so you’d better behave yourselves.
That’s why, when I was a child, my parents told me I had to finish all the rice in my bowl or else my future spouse would have poor complexion. Each leftover grain of rice represented one skin blemish my future wife would have on her face. (Chinese superstitions are weird.)
The objective, of course, was to get me to finish my dinner. But, of course, this whole thing was a lie.
Don’t Make Empty Threats
We see these sorts of empty threats all the time. Let me ask you: how many of these sound familiar?
- If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving without you.
- Eat all your vegetables! Otherwise, I’m going to eat all the cake we were saving for dessert and you won’t have any.
- If you’re not on your best behavior at grandma’s, you’re not getting a Christmas present this year.
- If you don’t clean up this mess, I’m going to throw all your toys into the garbage.
- Just you wait until your father comes home.
Perhaps that last one is both the most stereotypical and the most insidious. It’s representative of the “traditional” arrangement where the mom stays home and the dad goes out to work, something you might see in a ’70s or ’80s sitcom. It not only reinforces the stereotype of “dad as harsh disciplinarian,” but it also puts the father in a crummy situation.
He “has to” punish a child for something that he wasn’t even around to witness and interpret on his own. But, I digress. I’ve lost my temper on numerous occasions. I’m not proud of it, but I also recognize that I’m human.
And yes, while warnings of dad’s harsh punishment aren’t always empty threats, those other examples certainly can be. Who are you kidding? You’re not going to leave the house without the child; you’re just frustrated at how long they’re taking to get ready. Make too many of these empty threats and the children will quickly see right through them.
Indeed, we’ve been called on a bluff or three ourselves. “Fine, you go then. I’ll stay home,” she’ll say. “Ugghh… Just hurry up, will you? We have to go now,” we respond.
Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep
A corresponding partner to empty threats, as you may have gleaned from the post title, are empty promises. In other words, these are promises you never intended to keep. Allow me to illustrate with a recent real life example.
Scene: We were in a restaurant parking lot after Christmas dinner with the extended family. As we were walking over to our respective vehicles….
Addie (to my brother): I want to go with you!
My brother: You want to come to our house?
Addie: Yes! I want a sleepover!
Brother: Oh, we have to work early tomorrow. (little white lie) You’re coming over for dinner again in a few days. I’ll see you then, okay?
Addie: Then, I can sleep over?
Brother: Sure, okay.
Except, my brother didn’t really mean it. He was just “helping” to prevent a potential meltdown in the middle of the parking lot. It was, for all intents and purposes, an empty promise. But, as it turned out, it wasn’t going to be a broken promise.
All parents have bribed their children at one point or another. Here, I’ll buy you a cake pop if you just keep quiet, okay? If you come home with a great report card, I’ll get you that new Nintendo for your birthday. But when you make a promise like that, you’d better be willing to follow through on it. Kids remember these sorts of things. “But you said….,” they cry.
Say What You Mean
Going back to our story, when we got home that night, Addie was already talking about all the things she wanted to bring for her sleepover. She told me that I had to go get her luggage first thing the next morning so she could start packing.
I didn’t want to burst her bubble, so I played along. Over the next couple days, I sent a couple videos to my brother of Addie packing her suitcase and such. He responded with “laughing” emojis.
See, here’s a bit of a problem with modern communication. I was trying to show my brother that Addie was super serious about this (and I was perfectly okay with the idea). Based on my brother’s replies, I wasn’t sure if he was actually getting it. Long story slightly less long, we showed up at his place with Addie’s suitcase and she did indeed sleep over.
Maybe Tomorrow, Honey…
As much as we might try to put forward a “do as I say, not as I do” front to our children, they’re much more likely to model our behavior than to follow our words. If you go around issuing empty threats and disingenuous promises, they’ll start to do the same. When your kid promises you something, don’t you want them to keep their word? They want you to keep your word too.
It comes down to clear and effective communication. That’s why, whenever you end up leaning on either of these types of scenarios, slip in the ever powerful “maybe” or “I’ll think about it.” If you get that rocking report card, maybe I’ll buy you the new Nintendo. “Can I have a sleepover?” Um, I’ll think about it. Or, “Maybe next time.”
How could this possibly backfire?
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