As challenging and as stressful as it may be, I feel incredibly privileged to be a stay-at-home dad. I get to spend so much time with my daughter, witnessing her major milestones and encouraging her every step of the way. It also means that I can take her to the park in the middle of a weekday afternoon, even if she can’t really play on much of the equipment just yet.
Earlier in the summer, during one of our trips to the local playground, I had the most unsettling experience when another little girl approached me for some help. What I did next rocked me to my very core, even though it really shouldn’t have. It shouldn’t have bothered me and I shouldn’t have felt terrible about it.
Can You Help Me?
It was a rather simple request, really. The girl, who was probably about 5 years old or so, needed some help getting onto one of the contraptions at the playground. The idea is that you sit in this bowl shaped seat with your legs dangling out the side and you spin round and round in a wibbly-wobbly kind of fashion. She just couldn’t get in that seat herself. She wanted a boost.
I wasn’t there alone. There were plenty of other parents — the overwhelming majority of which were moms (which shouldn’t be that surprising given that I’m oftentimes the only dad at story time) — including my wife. This little girl didn’t ask my wife for help. She didn’t ask one of the other moms for help. She looked me square in the eyes and asked if I could help her get in.
I confirmed with the little girl exactly what she wanted and I felt terribly apprehensive about it. As I picked her up to place her in the spinning seat, a nagging fear crept into the back of my mind that the girl’s mother would come rushing across the playground to scream, “GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER!”
Why Do I Fear Myself?
It never happened. In fact, for the life of me, I don’t even know where this girl’s mom (or dad or nanny or caregiver) was. Realistically, no one else at the playground was paying attention to us or likely no one noticed what just happened… because it was an event that didn’t matter. Why, then, did I feel such an intense fear and sense of apprehension about helping a girl at the playground?
More and more, we find ourselves living in a culture of fear. In a culture where any man at a children’s playground is obviously a sicko, a predator and a pedophile. I’m part of a group of dad bloggers on Facebook and we all work to fight this unfair perception. The problem is that I feel like I have unwittingly internalized this culture of fear. I’m obviously not a threat to your children, so why did I feel weird helping the girl?
Stay Away From My Princess
I’m also a hypocrite. On our recent trip to Hawaii, we stopped for a break in the mall and a single man sitting by the fountain commented on how cute our daughter was. He proceeded to “chat” with her. I shouldn’t have felt threatened. He was keeping his hands to himself and he was, as far as I can tell, just being genuinely nice to us. He was probably a dad himself.
And yet, in the back of mind, I felt the intense drive to protect my daughter from this obvious pedophile. And I felt terrible for thinking that, because I wouldn’t have had the same thoughts if it were a single woman instead.
Most people are good and have good intentions, regardless of age or gender. Maybe the little girl asked me for help at the playground because I am a man. Maybe, in her experience, she found that men are generally stronger and can thus more easily lift her into that spinning seat. Or maybe not and I just happened to be the person closest to her at the time. And honestly, it doesn’t really matter anyhow.
The Path of Greater Acceptance
It’s perfectly understandable that parents want to be protective of their children. But sometimes, over-protectiveness could be doing more harm than good. I don’t know. Parenting is hard and fighting widespread public perception is even harder when you internalize the culture of fear yourself.
I don’t know why but I feel the exact same way. I get super apprehensive about talking to kids I dont know. I think those stereotypes have been so ingrained into ourselves that it is going to take a long time to undo the negative effects. As a society we are making progress. Just have to remember how appreciative I would be if someone helped out my daughter like that
You’re on point. I felt that exact same fear creeping into the pit of my stomach when I envisioned myself in that situation. Even as a female, I would probably be very, very weary of helping a stranger’s child, not because of fear but simply because it’s a STRANGER. Kids don’t know any different and they either don’t have the fear of talking to strangers, or they are brave enough to ask for help. Even when my own friends kids who know me, and I know them, ask me for help, I’m apprehensive.
STRANGER DANGER! Sorry, couldn’t help it 🙂
Regardless. If I were a mom and my daughter needed help getting up on a swing and some random stranger helped her with only good intentions, I think my heart would STILL skip a beat or two. I dunno.
Sadly, we also live in a society that mostly ignores our children. We go to the playground for a break and stare at our phones, or our mommy/daddy friends while our child runs free. Most parents aren’t hands on (like you and I, apparently).
Add that with the fear mongering that everyone is out to hurt our children and it’s a toxic situation. I’m glad you helped her.
I had a similar situation happen, I looked high and low around the playground to try and make eye contact with someone – anyone – who could have been with this little boy and not a single person was looking at us. I helped him. Kids see innocence, and I think it would have been quite rude and hurtful to ignore their genuine request.
I struggle with striking that balance between the warnings of STRANGER DANGER and offering a positive example for our young people.
I hear your dilemma. I blame society for it. We hear so many stories about threatening men that we worry we all are perceived that way. We tend to believe it too.
I feel the same way when it happens to me. But I’m glad to help and it’s been my experience like you pointed out, that nobody even notices. This is good in the sense that it’s just life and normal, but it’s also concerning because what if you *were* a threat… and nobody noticed.
You have a moral compass and that’s why you feel this way. Congratulations on identifying the fear and confronting it within yourself. I find myself thinking the same way when I am out with my son too. The odd thing is statistically it is people close to us that are more likely to perpetrate crimes on our loved ones.