Yesterday’s Sunday Snippet had a quote from Ted Koppel where the newscaster reminded us of the importance of decency and civility. Treat your fellow man with respect and never compromise on these standards for morality. Powerful words, to be sure.
Well, our friend Ray Ebersole chimed in on that post, saying that the quote reminded him of the golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated. This “golden rule” has a few different variations (like “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”), but they all hold fundamentally the same meaning. However, this mantra is seriously flawed.
Does this mean that you should start acting without civility and respect? No, not at all. That said, the “golden rule” is based on some flawed logic and assumptions. It assumes that everyone wants to be treated the same way… but they don’t.
Illustrating with an Example
You’re at the local watering hole and you notice a guy sitting at the end of the bar. He’s all by himself and it looks like he hasn’t exactly had the best of days. Acting out of empathy, you walk over and try to engage in a conversation with him, hoping to relieve him of some of his worries.
The rationale is that you would appreciate the same kind of “reaching out” if you were in his shoes. If you were feeling down in the dumps, you would like it if a kind stranger would volunteer to talk things through with you. You’re treating this guy at the bar the same way you would want to be treated.
But what if he’s not like you. What if he’d really, truly rather be left alone. What if he really needs some “alone time” to work out his troubles on his own. If that’s the case, your kind gesture of “reaching out” could simply be perceived as an intrusion. That’s not good.
Treat Them All the Same By…
So, in place of the golden rule, how should you go about conducting your life? I’ve touched on this concept before, but it’s worth revisiting.
The way that you can treat everyone with the respect that they deserve, the way that you can treat them with decency and civility, is to treat them differently. That lesson came from the context of business, but it can easily apply to personal relationships too.
This is certainly easier when you know someone quite well. You have a good grasp on his or her personality and preferences, so you treat him or her accordingly. But what about strangers? I guess the golden rule, even though it’s not exactly golden, is still your best option.
The golden rule in life should be: “It’s not about you.”
I disagree with your logic and example Michael.
Everyone wants to be treated with respect, which is what I believe is meant by treat others as you would want them to treat you. The problem that I see in your logic is that you assumed that the proper thing to do is to reach out and try make to the person at the end of the bar feel better. That isn’t being respectful, that is trying to make them feel better because that is what you thought you should do. But to be respectful, as I was talking about with the Golden Rule, would be to ask them if you can help. If they say no, then you sit there and drink your drink. You let them alone, that is being respectful and following the Golden Rule.
To be respectful is to ask, and listen to the best of your ability. Each situation is different as you point out, so being respectful is different in each case. That is why you ask a question, look at the situation and be respectful of the other persons wishes. I bet that person will treat you with the same respect in the future.
You took what I said and assumed what I meant. I could have been clearer in what I said, but what I was taught about the Golden Rule was respecting others so they respect you. That is why we need to ask more questions, because a reply to my comment yesterday would have lead to more insight into what I meant, because you have a different interpretation of what the Golden Rule is than I do.
Thanks for the clarification. 🙂 I was going to post a reply to your comment, but I soon realized that my comment was long enough to be a post in its own right.
In this regard, I think it’s just the wording of the Golden Rule that needs some adjustment. You’re not treating others as you would like to be treated; you’re treating them with respect (in a more general sense). That… or Lesley is the one who is right. 🙂
It’s not wrong “treat others as you would like to be treated.” But here I wanna to explain that it depends on time and situation as well as personality and preferences also keeps much importance. As we know that All one aren’t equal as well their mantel situation also different, So how can we aspect for same response? But we can’t ignore the harsh reality. “Tit for Tat” So “give respect and take respect”
There have been times that I would have just liked to be alone and work out things when people have come up to me. There have been other times I could have used an ear to listen to. Ultimately it boils down to respect, understanding and compassion for people.
You might ask yourself “What would you do in their shoes”?
I’ve always felt the general application of the golden rule was basically taking a positive proactive approach to how you treat others than a negative reactive one. To be able to read a situation and do the right thing beforehand so you don’t leave any shadow of doubt to the other person about what he should do when the situation reverses.
http://thegoldenruleguy.blogspot.com/2011/01/is-golden-rule-ever-wrong.html
I echo what another poster wrote. This gives a differing view to your post.
Respectfully submitted,
John Fox
PS — for a PS to this, consider reading http://thegoldenruleguy.blogspot.com/2011/04/golden-rule-what-does-it-look-like.html
Each and every one wants respect for himself/herself. So for this one’s have to respect to others. It’s right “Tit for Tat”