When you’re a kid, you look forward to your birthday every year, because it probably means that there’s going to be a party, cake and presents. When you’re a teen, you look forward to your birthdays too, because you’re that much closer to getting your driver’s license or reaching the legal drinking age. As you get older, your outlook starts to shift. You might come to dread your birthday, because every year is one year closer to the grave, one more year of squandered opportunities.

So, how do I feel about turning 35? Well, it’s complicated.

In a vlog a couple months ago, I questioned whether or not I was going through a midlife crisis. I’m still not completely convinced one way or the other. I can say that this sense of existential dread continues to linger as I question whether I’ve lived up to my potential and what, if anything, my lasting legacy will be. How will I be remembered?

It’s true when they say that the days are long, but the years are short. Not much has changed since yesterday, but in some ways, I feel like I am a completely different person than I was ten years ago. I also feel like I really haven’t changed that much at all. It’s weird and hard to explain.

All this time, it has felt like “true” adulthood was right around the corner. It has always felt like I wasn’t quite there yet, like I was still the “kid.” Like the people I see on TV are clearly much older than I am… except I’m the same age now as Jennifer Aniston was when Friends ended. And that the teenager who just graduated from high school was born the year I graduated from high school. It’s so hard to wrap my head around that.

Turning 35 really hasn’t changed anything, except that everything keeps changing. One day at a time, I guess. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some free birthday stuff to collect this week.