Is it just me? Whenever I am presented with any sort of insight into the world of parenting and raising a child, I can’t help but reflect on my own childhood. And how that applies to my life today as an adult (or as a man-child). This leads me into a conversation about the difference between praise and encouragement, and what they mean for the psychology of our children.
Praise for a Job Well Done
Picture this: Your child comes home from school with a glowing report card. Straight A’s across the board. You’re beaming with pride. As you stick that report card on the fridge, you exclaim, “Great job! Let’s go out for ice cream to celebrate!”
That feels totally normal, because it totally is. And it’s a perfect example of praise. The inherent challenge of praise, however, is that it is purely evaluative, focusing the attention on the outcome. Put another way, it reinforces the notion that the child needs to seek external validation. What someone else thinks of them and what they do is of key importance.
Understandably, kids — just like adults — come to yearn for more of this praise. They do things and seek greater accomplishments, because they desire the proverbial pot of gold. They want to be told that they did a good job. This outlook pervades other aspects of their lives too. Who among us doesn’t seek the external validation of a “like” on Instagram or a congratulatory comment on Facebook?
This external validation, this praise, is a sort of “reward” for a job well done. It also sets the stage for expectations; if the child comes home with anything less than straight A’s, they won’t get your approval. They won’t get the ice cream… even if that’s not actually true, they’ll come to internalize that mindset. It’s not good enough. They’re not good enough otherwise.
Encouragement for Inner Strength
Whereas praise is evaluative in nature, placing the focus squarely on the outcome, encouragement is literally about “giving courage” and focuses on the process. This was a very tough lesson for me in elementary school; it’s really one I haven’t come to fully internalize even today. Instead of focusing on results, we pay more attention to the effort.
Instead of looking at where they got, we look at how they got there. Encouragement helps to foster a greater sense of inner strength such that the child believes in themselves. The “reward” is internal. The joy is in the journey and not the destination.
Paint to a Canvas
Perhaps one of the best examples of this — maybe because I’m the father to a four-year-old — is when a preschooler comes home with a piece of artwork. If you’re like so many other parents, chances are that one of the first things you’ll say is, “Wow! That’s a great-looking elephant!” (You know, replacing “elephant” with whatever it is.)
Or, in the frequent case where the preschooler’s artwork is, let’s just say, not as obvious, you might ask, “Wow! That looks great. What is it?”
But as you may be able to glean from the pertinent discussion above, this falls right in line with traditional praise. As parents, we think we’re boosting our kid’s morale by praising their “artwork” and how “great” it looks. The problem is that we are again placing the focus squarely on the outcome. Again, this is purely evaluative.
Consciously or unconsciously, the child comes to think that they won’t get showered with the same kind of praise if their painting is anything less than “great.” But what if were to change up the script such that we worked on encouraging the child rather than praising her? That might sound more like:
- It looks like you worked really hard on this!
- How did you decide on painting this?
- Look at all the different colors and textures you used!
- Did you make this all by yourself?
- You must be so proud of what you made.
- Tell me all about your artwork!
See the difference?
A Meaningful Belief
This isn’t to say that you should stop praising your children for their accomplishments. Praise will always have its place. We just have to remember not to go over-the-top so often as for the words to lose all meaning. If everything they do is “incredible” and “fantastic,” then nothing they do is “incredible” or “fantastic.”
More important, be mindful to include encouragement in the conversations you have with your children. Instill in them a greater sense of self-efficacy, a belief in their own ability to succeed. And remind them that the journey, how they get there, is just as valuable (or even more so) than where they end up.
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