Me: I wish I had more time to get stuff done.
Life: Okay fine. Here are a couple of hours.
Me: I really just want to take a nap.
Life: Okay fine. Go nap.
Me: But Animal Crossing though.
Life: I give up.
Me: Yeah, me too.

This was a conversation I had with Life a few months ago. I mean, I obviously didn’t really speak to the personification of life itself, but this was what was rattling around in my subconscious at the time.

I complain often about how I don’t have enough time to do all the things I want to do, but I’m only making excuses. In an effort to be more mindful, I’ve come to the not-so-stunning conclusion that I’m simply a victim of self sabotage.

And I’m tired of it. Oh, so tired of it.

It’s true that I have a lot on my plate and, for the most part, I put them all there. Between full-time freelancing, full-time blogging, and full-time fatherhood, it feels like I always need to be in two places at once if I want to manage it all. And then there’s the vlog, household responsibilities, and all the rest of it. There’s always something to do. Boredom is not an option.

But there is time. I’m just choosing not to use it in the most effective manner. Even as the to-do list continued to expand, I ended up spending hours playing Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp. (I play a lot less now.) Instead of tackling real life errands, I collect fruit and fish for anthropomorphized animal villagers. I craft virtual furniture instead of actually doing work that pays the bills.

How does that make any sense at all?

In the midst of what is decidedly self sabotage, I enjoy these fleeting moments of self satisfaction. Whether it’s watching one more YouTube video or somehow taking an afternoon nap, these are decisions that feel good in the moment and well me up with regret the second they’re over. I could have done better.

The guilt is real.

I’m not enough.

Maybe it’s simply a lack of self discipline, spurred on by a lack of structure. I’ve been a self-employed freelance writer for over a decade at this point and I’ve always, generally speaking, been in charge of my own schedule. There’s no manager hovering over my shoulder, no “day shift” to uphold. But because I work on the Internet, the opportunities for distraction and procrastination are endless. So I indulge.

I know I can do better. I want to do better.

OK. Alright. I guess it’s time to go back to work.