For the past decade, my career as a freelance writer has played a prominent role in my sense of identity. For the past year, being a WAHD has greatly defined who I think I am. Even so, when I texted my wife after dinner to tell her I had only worked 20 minutes thus far that day, her reply floored me.
“You are working. As a SAHD.”
I mean, it’s something I already know. It’s no secret that I do stay at home and I am indeed a dad. And I absolutely have the utmost respect for all the SAHMs and SAHDs out there. I just never internalized it the same way. Maybe it’s because there is still a certain cultural stigma surrounding the label. As if being a SAHD somehow makes you less of a man. It doesn’t. It shouldn’t. If anything, shouldn’t being a competent father make you feel like more of a man?
If we are to move forward with gender equality, if I am to raise my daughter such that she feels she can do anything a boy can do, then we need to crush this social stigma. And this change needs to start from within. I need to fully embrace the role of the SAHD. I need to convince myself that I am doing the right thing. If I don’t fully believe it myself, how can I expect to affect the perceptions of others?
Not everything can be boiled down to dollars and cents. Maybe it’s the entrepreneurial mindset in me and I just can’t help myself. I need to tell myself that I am bringing value to my family and I feel compelled to quantify that value in a monetary sense.
Considering that full time daycare is about $1200 a month (or more) in Vancouver and a full-time nanny is at least $20,000 a year, it would not be unreasonable to add at least this amount to the “income” or the “value” I contribute to my family. This is above and beyond what I do as a freelance writer and a small business owner. It’s a different perspective and one I need to take to heart.
A friend of mine recently wrote that he is insanely jealous of families where one of the parents (usually the mom) can stay home full time with the kids. He wants to know how these families are able to do it on just one income. In the case of our family, we’re not doing it on one income. It just so happens that my career choice allows me to earn my income while also taking on full-time daddy duties.
It can be overwhelming and it can be exhausting. But here I am and we’re making it work.
Absolutely! One of the biggest challenges of being a SAH parent (whether you have an additional job or not) is understanding the value you are adding to your spouse’s and children’s lives – I still struggle with this even though I now have a teen and work full time (with flexible hours) from home. Just know you — and your wife — are doing something wonderful for your baby.
You developed your career as a freelance writer at an early age and have a good foothold income wise Michael. That makes being a SAHD a lot easier.
My wife stays at home while I work one full time job and two part time ones. She is trying to be a writer but because she and I had children before she was established it is harder on both of us.
While I would not give up my memories with my children, I wish we had started later so she could have had that foothold.
I’m a working mom, as is my hubby and I have the absolute utmost respect for stay at home parents. The fact that you balance fatherhood with writing and marketing.. you are incredible! 🙂 Grateful to have met you and your little one is adorable!
I think you are wonderful!
I’m a full time mom and part time photographer. You’re right, there is value in being a SAH parent, and sometimes it might seem like you’re not ‘contributing’ enough. But of course you are. Keep doing what you’re doing!
My husband was a SAHD with my first born and worked evenings, those times are so crucial. Good for you for being such a good dad and writer!